maybe i'm all wrong. maybe i just fell into satan's temptation and running away from reality and it's just all my dream, my ideal world that i'm trying to bring to life. maybe i'm really dumb and stupid to realize that it wasn't God's timing. maybe i'm just too selfish and was thinking about myself and how i wanted to do missions. or maybe i'm just really discouraged and so lost that i'm falling into satan's power to feel that what i'm heading into is not the "right" answer and falling into the dark pit.
i mean, c'mon.. look at me.. i graduated 2 years ago, been working part time-ish jobs (altho its full time hours) and haven't gone anywhere with my life and my character hasn't changed and i'm still acting like an 18 year old. what i thought i was doing right and thought it was God leading me.... maybe that was me thinking it instead -- just trying to convince myself that it was God when it was me all along. or maybe i'm... maybe i'm....
Father, how stupid am i? the thoughts that are running through my head... why am i still wavering? why can't i tell black from white? why am i so weak? why is it that i haven't changed... that i've become worse? why am i so blinded? why am i so stupid? this isn't me you created... i'm not living up to the expectations that you had when you created me. instead, i'm going the opposite way. there are so many times when i don't want to go on... when i wish i had the guts to end it. there are so many times i want to quit and become a loser and go down. i am being selfish. i know. when did i become so selfish? why am i the person that i am today? where did i go wrong? how can i go back? if only i can turn back time... if only i was smarter... if only i was a good daughter... if only i was a good sister... if only i was a good friend... if only i wasn't the selfish being that i am... heh, if only, right? Father God, i'm sorry for the person that i've become. i'm sorry for going astray and failing you so many times. i'm sorry for making the same mistakes and being this selfish person and thinking about me right now. wow~ its all "i" "i" "i" "me" "me" "me." Jesus, can you bring me back to you? can you please turn my mind, my body, my soul away from myself and from this world -- and bring me back to you? teach me to be humble and turn my attention away from myself as you break me.... break me real hard... so that i don't come back to this state and grow, grow to be stronger, bolder, more faithful and trusting in you? God, i want trust you. i want to trust you. i want to surrender it all and trust in you alone. there's no one i can trust, not even myself. there's nothing else, no one else, but you. i need you, God, i need your right now...
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