keeps 'em coming

there's so much ugliness inside and i didn't fully realize it before. for the past few months, God's been showing me... no, magnifying the ugliness/sins in me.

and He just keeps 'em coming.

as i was driving back home tonight, i was reflecting back on my actions this past few weeks/months. there were so many things that i didn't like and especially tonight, there was an unsettled feeling inside. i just kept thinking about it -- replaying the whole scene in my head and why i acted the way i did. i didn't realize that there was a deer in the middle of the road. luckily, the deer ran away just in time as i put my foot on the brakes. automatically, i began to pray -- not only for thanking God about focusing my eyes on the road, but it just felt like it was God's way of telling me to WAKE UP! i realized that i shouldn't be just thinking about these things and trying to think of ways to change it or fix it. instead, i should've been lifting it all up to God in prayer. it showed me that it was me who was trying to see what i can do to my power, not God. if i kept thinking about it and wasn't focused on the road (which has been happening a lot lately...) i would've hit that deer and gotten into an accident. 

i don't know if i'm over dramatizing/thinking about it. i mean there's a reason why God continues to show me the ugliness inside... so that i can acknowledge it and lay it before God. it's not shown before me so that i can fix it by my own strength or knowledge, but to be led by the Holy Spirt. i can fix it or watch that i don't repeat it so many times, but i'll fail at the end because it was by my own strength. i can try to do it myself, but it's a temporary fix. and sooner or later, i'll end up making the same mistake again.

its late and as always, i don't know if i made any sense or not. didn't realize this whole blogging thing kinda sorda helps me sort my mind. but one thing is for sure... God's been listening to my prayers. He's taking the distractions outt and magnifying the ugliness in my heart so that i can learn to change it into something pure and holy for God.

Father God, i'm not perfect. 

in fact, i'm the worst sinner i know. 

but God, this is my prayer...

change my heart, O God, 

make it ever true. 

change my heart, O God, 

may i be like You.