maybe it's not supposed to be...

maybe i'm all wrong. maybe i just fell into satan's temptation and running away from reality and it's just all my dream, my ideal world that i'm trying to bring to life. maybe i'm really dumb and stupid to realize that it wasn't God's timing. maybe i'm just too selfish and was thinking about myself and how i wanted to do missions. or maybe i'm just really discouraged and so lost that i'm falling into satan's power to feel that what i'm heading into is not the "right" answer and falling into the dark pit.

i mean, c'mon.. look at me.. i graduated 2 years ago, been working part time-ish jobs (altho its full time hours) and haven't gone anywhere with my life and my character hasn't changed and i'm still acting like an 18 year old. what i thought i was doing right and thought it was God leading me.... maybe that was me thinking it instead -- just trying to convince myself that it was God when it was me all along. or maybe i'm... maybe i'm....

Father, how stupid am i? the thoughts that are running through my head... why am i still wavering? why can't i tell black from white? why am i so weak? why is it that i haven't changed... that i've become worse? why am i so blinded? why am i so stupid? this isn't me you created... i'm not living up to the expectations that you had when you created me. instead, i'm going the opposite way. there are so many times when i don't want to go on... when i wish i had the guts to end it. there are so many times i want to quit and become a loser and go down. i am being selfish. i know. when did i become so selfish? why am i the person that i am today? where did i go wrong? how can i go back? if only i can turn back time... if only i was smarter... if only i was a good daughter... if only i was a good sister... if only i was a good friend... if only i wasn't the selfish being that i am... heh, if only, right? Father God, i'm sorry for the person that i've become. i'm sorry for going astray and failing you so many times. i'm sorry for making the same mistakes and being this selfish person and thinking about me right now. wow~ its all "i" "i" "i" "me" "me" "me." Jesus, can you bring me back to you? can you please turn my mind, my body, my soul away from myself and from this world -- and bring me back to you? teach me to be humble and turn my attention away from myself as you break me.... break me real hard... so that i don't come back to this state and grow, grow to be stronger, bolder, more faithful and trusting in you? God, i want trust you. i want to trust you. i want to surrender it all and trust in you alone. there's no one i can trust, not even myself. there's nothing else, no one else, but you. i need you, God, i need your right now...

lessons learned...

God surely listens and answer prayers. sometimes it seems like i'm making it up, but when i step outside of my lil box, it can't be me who's letting things happen out of coincidences. i mean i don't believe in coincidences. i believe it's all God's doing and there is a reason for why it happens in that specific time. does that make sense??

heh, it does in my head haha but it's God for sure who's teaching me through my wonderful sisters He placed in my life. without these sisters, i don't how i would've been able to reflect back and connect it all.  it's definitely the Holy Spirit working in them and God using them as His instruments to help me put my head together.

so, the lessons i've learned so far:

1. God answers prayers.
2. God takes away your distractions/hinderances so that you can focus on what He has planned for you.
3. you have to give others the opportunity to bless you [financially, rides, etc.]

4. it's ok to express your feelings and share your thoughts.

5. don't be wishy-washy. keep your word/promise. let your yes be yes and no be no.

6. ministry will be hard and stressful, but God is good :)

these are things that are so simple, easy and should've been we all know/learned long before, but it's more important to me because these are things that i had trouble learning. heh, honestly, i'm kinda "slow" haha not to put myself down or anything, but in order for me to fully understand and realize, at times, i have to experience it myself in order to learn that specific lesson. and boy, i've made many mistakes and gone through quite a few experiences for me to learn the lesson -- in a hard way.

i'm really thankful for the struggles i faced this past couple of months. God showed me the ugly sins in my heart, even the ones that were right in front of me [the ones i knew i needed to confront and change, but was never successful and always failed at changing]. 

i know no one wants to pray for brokenness because GOD REALLY ANSWERS YOUR PRAYERS when you do. i've been praying for brokenness, healing, molding and renewed/changed heart. and that's what God's been doing in my life. the stress/fatigue/tiredness from work, loneliness inside my heart, feeling of emptiness all around, etc... were some things that God used to break me. mann, it tore me up to the point where i've become numb to it. i was so numb inside that i didn't even know i was numb. but, honestly, by the grace and mercy of God, i am able to confront one sin at a time as i experience it by making mistakes and falling and being rebuked [out of love] and venting and healing.

suffering is part of God's plan for us -- to show us and teach us to find joy and peace even in the mist of it all. suffering is part of the Gospel. suffering isn't bad and God didn't promise us that we'd be prosperous and free from the sufferings of this world. instead He told us to carry our cross and follow Him or else we cannot be His disciple [Luke 14: 27]. and carrying our cross will be burdensome and heavy. however, God made a promise to us -- we do not have to carry our cross or burdens by ourselves. He promised to be there with us, helping us carry our yoke [Matthew 11:28-30].

even tho i have a long way to go and my list will grow longer and longer, i know this was God teaching me to spiritually prepare for japan and for my future ministry. and although i will fail and fall, i know God placed people in my life to rebuke me, teach me, and help me through it all. i'm embarrassed to learn it through the mistakes that i made/will make, but i'm not perfect. i'm the worst sinner, but God still loves me. He loves me for who i am, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made [Psalm 139: 14] by the Creator, my Father, my God.

keeps 'em coming

there's so much ugliness inside and i didn't fully realize it before. for the past few months, God's been showing me... no, magnifying the ugliness/sins in me.

and He just keeps 'em coming.

as i was driving back home tonight, i was reflecting back on my actions this past few weeks/months. there were so many things that i didn't like and especially tonight, there was an unsettled feeling inside. i just kept thinking about it -- replaying the whole scene in my head and why i acted the way i did. i didn't realize that there was a deer in the middle of the road. luckily, the deer ran away just in time as i put my foot on the brakes. automatically, i began to pray -- not only for thanking God about focusing my eyes on the road, but it just felt like it was God's way of telling me to WAKE UP! i realized that i shouldn't be just thinking about these things and trying to think of ways to change it or fix it. instead, i should've been lifting it all up to God in prayer. it showed me that it was me who was trying to see what i can do to my power, not God. if i kept thinking about it and wasn't focused on the road (which has been happening a lot lately...) i would've hit that deer and gotten into an accident. 

i don't know if i'm over dramatizing/thinking about it. i mean there's a reason why God continues to show me the ugliness inside... so that i can acknowledge it and lay it before God. it's not shown before me so that i can fix it by my own strength or knowledge, but to be led by the Holy Spirt. i can fix it or watch that i don't repeat it so many times, but i'll fail at the end because it was by my own strength. i can try to do it myself, but it's a temporary fix. and sooner or later, i'll end up making the same mistake again.

its late and as always, i don't know if i made any sense or not. didn't realize this whole blogging thing kinda sorda helps me sort my mind. but one thing is for sure... God's been listening to my prayers. He's taking the distractions outt and magnifying the ugliness in my heart so that i can learn to change it into something pure and holy for God.

Father God, i'm not perfect. 

in fact, i'm the worst sinner i know. 

but God, this is my prayer...

change my heart, O God, 

make it ever true. 

change my heart, O God, 

may i be like You.

prayer.

ahhh!! 힘들다~ 울고싶다~~ what's wrong with me??!!?

Lord God, whats wrong with me?!
there's so much bottled up inside. so much that i can't think cuz i'm thinking too much.
i feel so angry. frustrated. tired. stressed. drained.
i just want to cry, but no tears will fall.
i wish i could just cry it all out. but that won't do any justice.
i still feel this "thing" stuck right in my chest getting bigger and bigger.
honestly, there are times when i just.... sigh*

God, please hold onto me. don't let go.
Father God, i know you're there. i know you're listening.
i know you want me to stop all of this and turn to you.

here am i. i'm here... right here...
open my eyes. open my heart. take my hand and pull me up.
there's no one i can turn to, no one who knows me like you do.
God, open my eyes to see your grace and mercy. love and hope in this world.
these struggles are nothing compared to the sufferings you had to bare.
teach me to find peace and joy through it all.
teach me that these struggles/trials are part of your greater plans to show us your love.

i want to scream on the top of my lungs. i want to scream and shout and kick and cry.
but nothing will come out.

God, help me.
help me.
help me to turn to you...