your beloved.

Lord it was you who created the heavens
Lord it was your hand put the stars in their place
Lord it was your voice that commands the morning
even oceans and their waves will bow at your feet

Lord who am i compared to your glory, O Lord
Lord who am i compared to your majesty

i am your beloved, your creation
and you love me as i am
you have called me chosen for your kingdom
unashamed to call me your own
i am your beloved.

your beloved][vineyard

the ugliness in my heart.

God is very direct and clear. if He wants to show you something, He will. and God's been doing that for me as i go through each day here at GLDI (Global Leadership Development Institute). the second week is coming to an end in 2 days... but honestly, its been tough -- physically, spiritually, and emotionally. the schedule is jam packed as our day starts off from with optional early morning prayer @5:30am with at least 2 hr lectures 3 times a day and an about 2.5 hrs personal time during the day with 3 meals and the day comes to an end @ 10:30pm with family discussion time. so, physically it's tiring, but i can manage it through. but the struggle starts here -- spiritually and emotionally.

the first week was great! haha i was really hyper and crazy and jumping off the walls as the first group leaders and staffs welcomed everyone and being with our family group (small group), i tried to put myself out there and joke around and lighten up the mood so that everyone can be comfortable. haha but i think i scared some of my girls a little cause i was pretty.... weird. haha :P

anyways, as the first week went by, worship and prayer was just awesome. i felt like God was really there with us during worship because nothing held us back from giving it all to praise Him. but slowly, i started to sit in the back and i found myself becoming more quieter, especially in those awkward, quiet times when youre finding your way to a sit during lecture or walking to/from lectures/meals... you know those times? yeaa~ well, i was quieter than before. i mean, when people were around me, i'd joke and laugh and smile and talk and all, but that was just on the outside. inside, it was totally the opposite. it felt so... empty? blank? out of it? ... it just felt so... quiet inside. and i didn't understand why. why was i feeling so quiet? why wasn't i feeling at peace and love while i was worshipping? why didn't i feel the same on the inside as i did on the outside when people were around? and ever since, i've kept on sighing. when it became quiet, one sigh after another came out.

and i was thinking about it. all of sudden, why did i feel so ... not there? disconnected? it felt like a wall was up -- nothing going in or out. just... empty. but then, as i started to think about it all, i realized that 

it was my sin. haha who would've though?!! im just laughing because wow, God totally opened my eyes to see the deeper ugliness in me. i didn't think i had these idols inside me, but mann... oh boy oh boy... He clearly spelled it out for me.

so prior to GLDI, i did the daniel fast and i felt like God listened to my prayers and one by one He answered them. i knew that all of them wasn't fully answered, but He was going to continue to work through me at GLDI, specifically with clarity within my future and discipline. i thought that as i was doing the daniel fast, God purified my heart from my past and cleansed me, as well as my desire for Him grew more because i was fasting to grow deeper in knowledge&love through reading the bible and going to prayer mtgs and everything.... but boy was i wrong! haha all of these four prayers i had during the daniel fast is being answered right now -- here at GLDI.

the first few days of GLDI was like the honeymoon stage. i was hyper and excited for everyone and myself and i was so pumped up. haha but i think thats one of my problems... i get so excited in the beginning of something and then i slowly get... quiet, heh, and a bit tired. and i get quieter and quieter and becomes laziness, but then when im around people, i go along with their mood. haha weird, right? yeaa thats me :P

heh, you know, my mind feels like it's all over the place, yet, at the same time, there's nothing in there. and it's frustrating at times, but then at times i know it's because im struggling with pride (proudness), fear, love, and self-control. haha so, self control is controlling the amount of food i eat lol but in seriousness, God revealed to me that i was being prideful and i had this "i know it all" attitude. so like i said, i did daniel fast prior to coming to GLDI. the whole "i know it all" attitude came out during the first week when we learned about personal transformation, such as what sin is, repentance and restoration from God, spiritual leadership, and overcoming conflicts. although there were some new things i've learned, but i knew the jist of most of the topics. throughout the this past year, i've been learning about these things through discipleship and all... and i thought i've repented all of my sins and was restore with God -- i became a new wineskin and all i needed was the Holy Spirit to pour new wine into the new wineskin i had (matthew 9:16-17). but I WAS WRONG! :(

God revealed the deeper idols in my heart that i didn't know about. i never thought that i was a prideful person. i know how sinful i am and inadequate i am because i still lack a lot of things (i'm not saying this to be pitied or anything or being modest). it's the truth. and so God showed me that i had this idol within me because i thought i knew better and knew more about sin and repentance and everything because i did it already. so i came to GLDI with the wrong attitude -- i came with the i know it all" attitude and i didn't realize it until towards the end of first week that i had this attitude. and it's hindering me from carrying out my responsibilities as the first family group leader and emotionally, im starting to feel empty and distancing myself from God and worship time and it feels like it's distracting me from focusing growing intimately with God -- to connect with Him. there are so many times i want to cry sooooo much, but i can't. no tear, no nothing comes out. there was one time that i cried and i felt God smiling down, but it felt so distant. and it's frustrating when i'm by myself and i get so physically tired and emotional and spiritually weak. 

God's also revealing the idols of fear from wanting to please others and get other's approval. and that definitely stems out of fear because i don't want to be alone. i want to have and make friends and develop this deeper relationship, but i'm not even connecting with myself so how can i develop a deeper relationship with others? so it becomes a somewhat of a surface/superficial kinda relationship (at least in my eyes). i mean i definitely care for my sisters and brothers and worry about them when they look down or i sense that somethings happening. it's not like they are not towards me either, but maybe it's just me magnifying everything 300%. but now i see that me wanting to please others and get their approval stems out of fear, which is absence of love. and i see where that is coming from... heh...

but honestly, it's such a struggle for me -- an inner battle that i cant fight off. you know, it's not that i can't fight it, i feel so weak and ashamed to have this idol inside me that i need to repent and embrace God's love within me, but ... im not. why? because... im not sure. im not sure what i'm doing. im not sure how to do it (although i know i how to do it... it's just that im not doing it). i feel like i've become this lazy bum that sits on her butt not doing anything when she can do it as she comes before the cross. i mean that's all i have to, but why am i not doing it? ahh! i don't know how i stress myself out and frustrate myself like this. and then, this leads to another idol -- putting the focus on me and my problems and not facing to the cross. i've put up this wall up and it's so transparent. i can see the cross on the other side. but im just chained up against the wall and lying faced down, slowly lifting up my head, wanting to go to the cross, but no strength to do it....

so this is what's going on in my head and in my heart. i know it all -- everything is in my head, but my heart... my heart is disconnected and distant from putting the thoughts in my head into action. 

Father God, set me free. set me free from my own chains. 

from the sins and idols of my life. let me let it all go and run to the cross. 

i don't want to just have that spiritual high that is only temporary, 

but the spiritual high thats everlasting in You.

set me free, Father, set me free. 

and take me back to the cross.

back to the cross once again.

Lord prepare me

as i being to write this entry, in less than 2 hours, i will finish my daniel fast. as i committed to doing the 3 week fast, i wasn't going to tell anyone, but just a few to keep me accountable because even in the bible it says in matthew 6:16-18, 


"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."


so thats what i wanted to do and follow, but then i ended up telling ppl who asked why i didn't eat or eat other foods and all, but then a friend told me that it's not about what youre not eating or giving up, but where your heart is in glorifying God. and that's so true. but i didn't go and tell everyone, but whoever asked.


but anywayyyyyy~~


this past 3 weeks were awesome. no really, it was! yeaaaaaaa~ i couldn't eat the food i wanted to eat and were on a strict diet (as i followed the daniel fast food list - with the exception of eating fish&some seafood), God revealed my shortcomings and weaknesses, as well as put my words into action. my purpose and prayers while i was doing this was four things...


1. purity -- to be freed from my past and purified physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.
2. discipline -- in all aspects of my life, especially self-discipiling myself spiritually and fixing my weakness.
3. desire -- desiring God more and more and always being dependent on Him.
4. clarity -- in my future within the education field and/or some kind of ministry and finding my path in how to go about it.


with these four things in mind, i started it. honestly, the first 2 weeks, i was a bit lazy, not doing much. but during the first week, as i was reading through Deuteronomy 23:21-23,


"If you make a vow to the LORD your God, do not be slow to pay it, for the LORD your God will certainly demand it of you and you will be guilty of sin. But if you refrain from making a vow, you will not be guilty. Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth."

it says that if we vow to God saying that "i will do this," then i have to do it because i made a vow with God. and i remember on tuesday, 5/11, i wanted to give up on this so badly, but then i read this verse and a part of was like "whoaaa~ i'll get in trouble if i don't do this." so it kind of scared me because i didn't want to get in trouble with God and plus, if i said i'd do it, then i have to. so here was the start of putting my words into action. the problem with me was that i said i would do it and i do... i start it, but then i kind of start to get lazy and not want to do it, but these verses popped out like stars shining on a dark night so brightly that i didn't want to mess with and keep going. 

and so one weakness God showed me was that i lack perseverance. and God showed me that this was a pattern in my life. i get so excited at the beginning, but then towards the end, i crash because i lose confidence in myself and my self-esteem goes down, down, down... 

and it was things like this that God continued to reveal to me. He showed me how lazy i am when i'm by myself, not surrounded by people because people don't see me privately. but then when i am around people or especially at my job, i get things done on time and everything. but then im being a totally 2 faced person. im not being genuine or authentic. my private life is not the same as my public life. i didn't want to make a fool out of myself so i would act "goody goody" in a way. but that's so wrong. i want to be a transparent Christian -- not a hypocrite, wearing a mask. i want to be genuine and authentic and real -- not fake. and these two weaknesses were so evident in my life, but i was so blinded by my habits. i wasn't being true to myself and others, especially God. 

so slowly, i believe that God was purifying my heart and my habits and myself, teaching me self-discipline in developing a Godly habit of reading the bible and praying and focusing on God, always depending on God through prayers and His words. and not only that, slowly, God is teaching me patience and i'm learning how to persevere through tough times, like studying and passing the praxis for me. i was so caught up in myself and constantly putting myself down that the attention was on me and not on God. i was doing this for myself, and not for God. the reason why i wanted to go into the education field was to bring the lost back to God, especially working through the children to give them light&hope in this world. i want to share the love&joy with those who need it the most. i know God has given me a vision to lead the children/youth of this future generation. and just as my youth pastor told me, if i can't even hurdle over the praxis test, then what will i ever achieve for His kingdom, right? heh, and through this realization, i found the urgency to really focus, pass my praxis, and carry out the will of God in my life. although i don't know exactly how God will lead me, i trust in Him and will follow without turning back :)

and to end it all, today's service was just beautiful! :) the Holy Spirit was definitely with us as we were praising and worshipping God. it was just a beautiful way to end this fast, knowing that God is always with us as long as we open our hearts for the Spirit to come within us. just as new wine cannot be poured into old wineskin because the old wineskin will burst, but when new wine is poured into the new wineskin, it will not burst (matthew 9:16-17). so i cannot be like an old wineskin because i will fall back to my old ways and everything [all that God gave me] will fall out, but being a new wineskin, nothing will burst out. haha but you know what i mean, right? heh, i tried.... :P

but yes. finally... God's been ever so amazing and even more so real the past 3 weeks. He is truly a God of Wonders!! and im sooOooOOOOo excited and sooOOoOooO joyful inside and i honestly can't wait as He continues to transform me and prepare me to a sanctuary! and i challenge those who are really wanting to seek God and transform yourselves, to do this daniel fast. but of course, be really convicted to do so and pray about it before you begin. but don't worry about not being able to eat the food you want or anything, through it all God will not only reveal what you ask for, but also humble you more than you think. don't do it for yourself, but for God and changing yourself to advance for His kingdom. and so i leave you with this praise song :)

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary

pure and holy, tried and true

with thanksgiving, i'll be a living

sanctuary for you

it is you Lord who came to save

the heart and soul of every man

it is you Lord who knows my weakness

who gives me strength, with thine own hand.

lead me on Lord from temptation

purify me from within

fill my heart with your Holy Spirit

take away all my sin

keeping a clear conscience!

just a bit of my thoughts as i was sharing today's QT  [utmost highest -- http://www.utmost.org/] with my cell group::

ahh! it's so hard to keep a clear conscience. but it's so true that we have to be obedient in keeping a clear conscience before God because if not, it'll turn into a habit of turning it around to ourselves rather to God.

as i shared with my cell group last night, one of my bad habit is putting myself down, thinking that i can't do anything or not good enough. but instead of me thinking that i was opening myself to hear what God is trying to me tell me, i turned it around to "me me me." and that's not how it should be.

to answer this question "Is my ear sensitive enough to hear even the softest whisper of the Spirit, so that I know what I should do?" -- i would have to say no. my mind and body has been clouded by my thoughts about what i think about me and how others might see me as. my ear hasn't been sensitive enough to hear the softest whisper of God. even through the storm, Jesus did not yell to quiet the storm (when Jesus was sleeping and the disciples were totally freaked out about the big storm that came). Jesus said it in a calm voice to quiet the sea and the wind.

"When you begin to debate, stop immediately. Don’t ask, “Why can’t I do this?” You are on the wrong track. There is no debating possible once your conscience speaks. Whatever it is— drop it, and see that you keep your inner vision clear."

just as it says in the QT, i pray that we will learn to be quiet and sensitive to what God has to tell us as we open our hearts towards Him and evaluate ourselves every time to make sure that our intentions/motives behind our action is glorying God.

a child of God

i am a child of God. yes, i am! :)

i think i'm starting to feel what this phrase means. i mean i always knew that i am a child of God, but as pastor jae said in prayer meeting alst night -- that our identity should be in God and nothing else -- it hit me.

so this is how it began... throughout the prayer meeting, i was really out of it, tyred from work and just empty. i felt empty -- emotionally, physically, spiritually. i felt jsut drained out... i couldnt write it down cuz there weren't any pens so i just listened to everyone's prayer requests. and as the lights turned off and the music started playing. people were getting ready to go into prayer mode and i stepped out for a moment and came back in. i sat down and saw everyone praying around me. i tried to pray, to say something, but "abba, Father" came out so i just sat there the whole time. heh, i wanted to ask someone to pray for me right then and there, but my mouth wouldnt move and plus, everyone was praying so passionately. the whole time i kept thinking, "...what is wrong with me? why can't i not pray?  ...  i just want to feel. i just want to cry. i feel so empty inside..." so pretty much, i was just putting myself down, putting my already low self-esteem almost to the bottom, reaching down to ground.... to the core. heh, but yeaa~ i guess i was just having a self-pity party haha :P

but as the prayer meeting went on, i just sat there. i kept thinking about how i wanted to feel and have my heart broken and feel what God feels. that's what i meant by i want to feel. i want my heart to break for something/someone and cry out for them when i pray. i wanted to be like the way i was with Cambodia. that's what i wanted. i wanted to feel.

so, finally when we all came together, pastor jae talked about where our identity lies. our identity needs to be in God and nothing else. If we are one with Christ, finding out identity within God and God alone, we will be filled and never empty because God fills us up. But if we find our identity within something else -- like money, job, or even in ourself -- then we're just puffing up. when you picture being filled up and puffed up, it seems to be different (at least i feel like it is). although you're full with both, but it's like being satisfied kind of full vs. being full because i ate too much. so that would be the difference, you kinda get what i mean? and so, being filled is always satisfying and won't blow away as when you're puffed up full, then it can suddenly pop! just like popping a balloon. poof! and it's gone.

so as pastor jae spoke those words and we prayed altogether, it was a little different. but it still didn't hit me then. after prayer meeting, i just came out and walked to my car. while i was walking, i still kept thinking about "is tthere wrong with me? why can't my heart break for something/someone while other people do? why can't i pray passionately? what's wrong with me?" and i still felt blehh~ and drained and tyred. even through the drive home, i felt so ashamed of myself.

but then! WOW! GOD IS SOOOO GOOD! and perfect with timing! haha :P

i came home and after i got into bed, i realized what pastor jae meant. i mean i knew that i was a child of God and my identity was within Him, but lately, it's wasn't. my identity lied within me. ever since i started to think about my profession and my decision to take the praxis and become a teacher and all of that... i kept putting myself down. i knew i wasn't good enough academically, i knew i was a sinner and i wasn't worthy of anything, but i believed all of that and lost all my confidence, regardless of how encouraging my friends were to me. but it wasn't what i meant when i wasn't good enough, that i was a sinner and unworthy of anything -- i kept telling myself that and forgot the second half of it. i forgot to tell myself "I AM A CHILD OF GOD!" so all of that doesn't matter because my identity is in Christ and He is the one who gave me a new life to start over and i am worthy because I AM A CHILD OF GOD! wow, how could i have been that stupid? that forgetful? ...God must be looking down on me and shaking His head and laughing.

i don't know if i'm spiritually being under attack or if it was just me... but mann~ last night before i realized all of this, i was ready to give up on the things i said i would be doing because i thought it wasn't worth it if i was just speaking it out of wanting other people to think that i'm spritually good or something but i don't really feel anything inside. but then i really should listen more carefully. so i got back into reading regularly each day now and as im reading through deuteronomy, it kept talking about listening carefully to what God has commanded us, being obedient to God's command, and following through with what we vow (say) we'll do.

“When you make a vow to the Lord your God, be prompt in fulfilling whatever you promised him. For the Lord your God demands that you promptly fulfill all your vows, or you will be guilty of sin. However, it is not a sin to refrain from making a vow. But once you have voluntarily made a vow, be careful to fulfill your promise to the Lord your God." Deuteronomy 23: 21-23

and so because i made this vow, i will keep my promise. this is actually one of my prayers --  to be disciplined (spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally) and to put my words into action. and along with this prayer, i'm also praying for purity and to let go of my past, desire God more and more and more, and to find clarity in my future.

so whenever you have time, if you can, can you pray for me with these four prayers? thank youu!!

all in all, haha, i feel so much lighter now. but honestly, i dont know what it is, but my heart still feels a bit heavy. it's been like this for few weeks and i can't get a grasp on what is making me feel this way. maybe i'll have another awakenings like this one -- hopefully it'll be soon. heh. ::sigh in relief:: haha but i'm just so thankful that God clearly spoke through pastor jae at the prayer meeting and now i can see that it's not about me, but it's always about God and who God is and who i am within God -- and that's all that matters :)

let this be our prayer

i was listening to star 99.1 as i was driving to work and heard this song [if we've ever needed you - casting crown] playing and the words just pierced my heart. so i want to pray this prayer and i want this to be my heart's cry.

hear our cry, Lord, we pray

our faces down, our hands are raised

you called us out; we turned away

we've turned away

with shipwrecked faith the idols rise

we do what is right in our own eyes

our children now will pay the price

we need your light, Lord, shine your light

if we've ever needed you

Lord, it's now

Lord, it's now

we are desperate for your hand
we're reaching out
we're reaching out

all our hearts, all our strength

with all our minds, we're at your feet

may your kingdom come in our hearts and lives

let your church arise, let your church arise

if we've ever needed you

Lord, it's now

Lord, it's now

we are desperate for your hand

we're reaching out

we need you now
revive us now

we need you now

perseverance

perseverance leads to a steadfast heart that will continue to seek after the righteous one. although they may be temptations or struggles that can hinder you, but instead it will help you move forward, teaching you and strengthening you for something better, more beautiful and powerful.

new post to come

a new post to come. hehi think it's about tym for an update xp

L.O.V.E.

L is for the way you look at me

O is for the only one i see

V is very, very, extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you adore can

love. hehe thinking about it gives you the butterflies and a great big smile ;P

mm... so God's been revealing to me little by little on how to bear the fruit of love. i didn't really think about it or realize that i wasn't bearing the fruit of love as much. in cell group this week, it really hit me when we were discussing the Philippines bible study questions and one of the question asks, "what are the fruits you are bearing now and what are the fruits you need to bear?" ((something to that...)) so i began to think about this through the fruit of the Spirit aspects.

so as i shared with my CG, God's been really blessing me with joy, peace, and faithfulness in my life. i remember long tym ago i really prayed for these three things so much thinking that i was good with being good, kind, patient, gentle and loving... but boy was i wrong. i mean its not that im not a loving, kind, gentle person [haha] but its not enough to the extent God wants us to be, you know?

i mean the most important commandment is this, no?

"love the Lord your God with all your heart 

and all your soul 

and with all your mind 

and with all your strength.' 

the second is this: 

'love your neighbor as yourself.' 

there is no commandment greater than these." 

mark 12:30-31

heh, just recently God's been teaching me what it means to love -- to love Him with all that i have inside&outt. knowing what it is like to love God, that love should naturally flow down to those around you, especially with the relationships you have with others. but God said i wasn't doing what i should be doing -- in bearing that fruit of love sincerely, genuinely ... in obedience to God's command. like i said before, i really prayed for joy, peace, and faithfulness in my life. it felt like i was lacking in those three areas (including self-control) and i thought i was doing well with love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and patience. i thought i was a nice, loving person and everything, but i was just a selfish sinner. i was only being a lovable person to those i wanted to be like my friends, but not to those who were closest to me -- my family. but i didn't realize that it wasn't something i can pick and choose who i want to love. that would be out of my selfishness in wanting to do what i wanted to do. key word being me, me, me; i, i, i. but God didn't say you can pick&choose. i mean, did God only pick&choose some people who can be loved and saved? did Jesus do that when he took the cross upon His shoulder and died for just some of those people? no. God didn't.

God loved (and still does and forever will). He loved the sick, the liars, the betrayers, the prostitutes, the tax collectors, etc... He loved EVERYONE. and He's teaching me to do the same right now. honestly, there are some people in my life that i am having trouble loving them the way Jesus loved me, but God's been breaking me deeper and deeper. and if it wasn't for God's love for me, i don't think i would've ever realized that i was bearing the fruit of love in the wrong ways. love should not be selfish -- for the benefit of oneself. but love is loving God first and then sharing that love with everyone else around you because it just naturally flows out of you. i think love is something so much more than we can ever imagine. but we can always remember what God has done for us -- His ministry through love for every single person around Him and through the greatest love of all that was expressed on the cross for us. if it wasn't for the cross, what kind of person would we be like? without love, will we even be alive on this earth?

but love doesn't only bring genuine, loving, warm relationships, but with love comes everything else. and if you noticed the fruit of the Spirit, love is the first thing. and then comes joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control [Galatians 5:22-23]. riiiiiiight?? hehe :P

and as Philippines 1:9-11 states,

"and this is my prayer: 

that your love may abound more and more 

in knowledge and depth of insight, 

so that you may be able to discern 

what is best and may be pure and blameless 

until the day of Christ, 

filled with the fruit of righteousness 

that comes through Jesus Christ -- 

to the glory and praise of God." 

[amen.] if it weren't for love, we would not be able to gain the knowledge that we need to know to be able to discern right from wrong or discern anything. without love, we wouldn't be pure and blameless in front of God, glorifying and praising God. if it weren't for love, we would shrivel away in the corners of the earth and die. if it weren't for love, we would never be who we are today -- children of God who is loved by the greatest of all -- our Lord and Savior.

may my mouth & my heart be pleasing to you

i've been listening to francesca battistelli's whole album [my paper heart] the past few days. i love it so much! :) the songs are just awesome. its so encouraging~ i<3it! hehe :P

lately, ive been so lazy. i have all these things i want to write down, but i never know how to articulate them. and i have this fear of saying what i think but then being rejected or thinking that i didnt say it the right way or something. i've always had this thing where i would hesitate before i said anything and made sure that i would say it in my head to make sure that i said the right thing and other ppl would accept it. but all this fear stemmed out of my fear of not being accepted by others because i always lacked confidence in myself and i was just afraid of so many things... and haha its quite funny when i think about it now. i've changed a lot... but i know i gotta beat these fears out of me because i still have bits 'n pieces of it left inside. hence my laziness to write my thoughts down...

however, i realized that it all begins with conviction [to want to confess]. confession. conviction [to want to change and be made new again]. brokenness. repentance. forgiveness. and finally a revival. without you having this sharp pain of something poking at you, you won't really come down to your knees to genuinely have this strong desire to confess your sins in giving all that you have to surrender it and turn away from it. and from then on, once you have this conviction and confess it, you'll be convicted again, wanting to get rid of the old rag and put on a new garment to be broken down by God and for God so that we can melt ourselves away and be molded by the grace of God who forgave us and begin a new journey to start a new, exciting chapter -- a new revival.

it's all something that we know. but it never hurts to read it again, right? heh, i know i read things, but sometimes (most of the tyms) i breeze through it and don't really think about it. and then later, i come back to it realizing "wow, so this is what it really means..." and its so refreshing and encouraging because you learn something and you see how its so relevant. it feels lyk God just pointed out to you saying "READ IT AGAIN!" kinda thing hahaha i think i say too much of the same thing over again at times.. ehh, whateves. heh, this is me. what can i do? :P

anyways, im always so thankful for the way God intervenes in my life -- through friends, songs, friend's blogs, the way He whispers in my prayers, and His words. im always so encouraged and i feel so joyful inside whenever he speaks to me through other ppl or lyrics. lyk i said, im not good at articulating my thoughts and feelings at times, especially if it comes to serious or deeper/serious things. i always second guess myself. but through songs or what other ppl say, i can relate to it or i think about it and try to process it in my heart, but then bringing it up to my head and letting the words come out of my mouth is so... hard. heh~

but i feel so joyful inside. i dont think the word "happy" would serve the purpose of describing how my heart feels. back in youth group, a pastor gave a sermon about the difference between being happy and being joyful. so... happy is a temporary kind of feeling. lyk youre happy when you see your friend, youre happy when you eat your favorite food, your happy when you get a new car, etc. but if you look at being happy, its something that doesn't last long. its just a temporary feeling when something is happening at that moment. lyk youre happy when you see your friend, but when that friend leaves, are you still feeling happy? or when you're done with your favorite food, are you happy even after? but joyfulness -- it's everlasting. being joyful is permanent because well, it just is. hahaha no, but i think with joygulness, its something that satisfies and fills a void. it's that satisfaction that will forever be there because its so intense and its the source, not the outcome (like happiness). im not sure if i explained it well, but yeaa, hopefully you got it :P

okk i feel lyk im all over the place, but in a good way :) lately, my thoughts were scattered all over the place and i couldn't seem to put it into words for others to read or hear. but i think im trying too hard to get my words out there too much -- lyk it's for ppl to recognize that i said it. and lately i feel like God's teaching me to honor all that i do for Him and that it's not for me. this feeling of wanting to be recognized by others stemmed out as i served in children's ministry for over 6 years. i started to get a little boastful in the positions i've been in and the humble serving heart i started out with glorifying [honoring] God had turned into "look at me! im a sunday school teacher! i organized this event! im the director of the children's ministry now!" this happened because the last 2 years or so, i was lost in my own little world, which was under my control. but thankfully, by God's grace, He pulled me away and broke me down completely. i am so thankful and grateful for what God has done and through the past 5 months, God revealed Himself to me in a whole new level. my love for Him grew through the trials and hardships, especially in my relationships and family situations the past year, and im learning to be obedient. it's so hard, but i can see myself changing little by little, i mean really really little, tiny steps. but yeaa, with this peace, joy, love, and grace given by God to me is my strength that pulls me continue to seek after God, to be disciplined in his words [QT] and prayer, and with baby steps, to be transformed into a child of God that comes to her knees in the time in between -- prayer.

im not writing this to be boastful or bragging or anything. but this is me. it's my heart speaking and not my mind. if it was my mind, i would've kept asking myself "should i say this? should i say that? what would other ppl think?" and not really have written anything [because i did that with few entries] but not this time. i might not have fully explained what my heart wants to say and with not explaining my past trials and hardships and other stuff, but yeaa... haha whaaaaateves. i dont know what im really trying to say here. haha God knows that this entry is all in praising Him and thanking Him for all that He did, is doing, and will do, so that's all that matters! i love you, God. thank you. no really, THANK YOU!! ;)

but i gotta write this lyric down. its "may the words of my mouth" by shane&shane. its been in my heart for the past few days and it's what i feel like this entry comes down to... i pray that the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart will honor God because its not for me, but for you, my God, to please you forever more :)

may the words of my mouth

and the meditation of my heart

be pleasing to you

you're my rock and my redeemer

you're the reason that i sing

i desire to be a blessing in your eyes

every hour and every moment

Lord i want to be your servant

i desire to be a blessing in your eyes

time in between

but its the time in between 

that brings me to my knees

knowing you came for me 

and all that i can't be

im amazed, so amazed

and i thank you for the time in between
oh Lord, i thank you for the time in between

time in between -- francesca battistelli

it's all about you

i think this song just sums it up:

it's all about you, Jesus

and all this is for you

for your glory and your fame

it's not about me

as if you should do things my way

you alone are God

and i surrender to your ways

i feel like a little child again.
hiding away under my covers. away from world.
i want to go in the corner and never come out.
it's too scary out there... having to face the harsh, cold reality.

but i'm not a little child anymore. i'm an adult now.
the real world is scary and challenging.
watching my parents ... the adults ... i don't want to be like them.

its always money. money. money.
why do people worry so much about money?
yes, money feeds you.
clothes you.
gives you shelter.
buys you sparkly pretty things.
but its only temporary.
it only temporarily fixes your needs that are right in front of you.
why would you want that?
why not something that's everlasting?

money breaks apart families.
money kills.
money leads to pride.
money boasts.
money separates you from what you truly need.

so people, don't turn your eyes to other things like money.
but have faith people, have faith. please.
and don't worry.
don't worry about having the money or not because God will provide.
He will provide for his children -- to those who are faithful.
faith is the key. faithfulness in God is what He wants.
and He'll give everything that you need.
so you don't have to worry.
you don't have to worry about money.
you don't have to worry about food.
you don't have to worry about clothes.
you don't have to worry about shelter.
because God sees how faithful we are, and He will give.
He will give you just enough to live
so that we do not get too prideful.
too gluttonous. too selfish.
so that we will continually seek after God.
to be faithful to Him.

so be faithful, people. have faith.
have faith in God who created you.
have faith in God who knows your future.
have faith in God who is in control.
and love Him with all your heart. your soul. your mind.
show your faith by loving Him.
faith. love. hope. faith. love. hope.
have faith. believe. and trust.
have faith.

Father, i know you're next to me right now.

cover my ears and let me listen to your voice alone.

i don't want to hear anything else.

the bickering. the shouting. the fighting.

hold me in your arms and wipe the tears away.

Lord, take me from this place... 

into a world that has no time.

no worries. no hurries.

i'll gladly leave it all behind to be with you.

hellooo??

(in dr. john kim's voice) hellooooooo???
     ^dr. kim is so awesome. just amazing and oh so wonderful! :) but as dr. kim kept saying, we should be praising and thanking God, for it is not dr. kim who does it, but God. amen to that!

an amazing weekend it was! praise God!! :D now that i look back at this weekend, that's what God's been saying to me. He was like "hellooo?? hellooo??" He called me on the phone trying to get a hold of me, but i picked up and quickly dropped the receiver, letting it hang in the air with the cords going up&down because i was distracted by other things....

but... thank you, Father, for waking me up! for persistently calling out to me! how wonderful, how amazing you are to call out to me. im so unworthy, but, yet... you embrace me in your arms... thank you, Lord. thank you for your love.

you know, i realized this last night... there is no doubt in my mind that it was God all along who's been controlling in my life since this past summer. i can see God moving the pieces to the front, to the back, to the left, to the right so vividly... i think God strategically placed all the people in my life for a reason with few of my close girlfriends to p.jae to discipleship girls to CR teammates to missionary Jonathan and everyone at the Abraham Project (the interns: abby, rach, shania) to dr. kim. they were all meant to be. God has specifically placed these man and woman of faith to teach me, to show me what faith is. i guess i didn't really understand what faith was until i met these people. they are all at a different level in their faith, but i was and still am encouraged by their faith in God. their genuine, loving hearts that yearns for God is so beautiful.

the most amazing person i've met so far was dr. kim. i'm so thankful to have met him and to have heard him speak. his testimony was just amazing. i've learned so much through him:

• confession. conviction. brokenness. repentance. forgiven. loved.
• plug into the power of the Holy Spirit to be recharged, to be energized.
• first sign of when God really transforms you = life style changes.
• time is... an opportunity. a resource. LIFE. cannot be spent like money. equally distributed.
• no revival without repentance. God can only give the revival.
• God wants you to take ownership because no leadership without ownership. 
• seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all things will be added unto you.
• fame, fortune, fun -- for Christ.
• be still. wait.

all these things i've learned are the things i needed to hear to take the next step in my walk with Christ. i've learned so much and i didn't know exactly how to go about it. with discipleship, i learned that head knowledge is important, but also what it means to be vulnerable and surrendering it all to God, repenting my sins. and through it, i found the peace and joy within God. the old is gone and new has come in Jesus Christ. but then after discipleship i asked myself, "what now?" i was so consumed by this question and going to Costa Rica (CR) with this in the back of my mind wasn't helpful at all. honestly, in the beginning of CR missions, it felt like i was on a trip and i wasn't sure why i was there. i mean, when i was in New Mexico or Cambodia, i knew why i was there, my heart was prepared for it and had some kind of expectation. i'm not saying i didn't expect anything from CR, but it wasn't as clear as it was with NM or Cambodia. however, a week after i got back, i found it. this little light bulb went off! and there was God, revealing to me why i was there in CR. it was for me to not only service, but to be served by the faithful disciples of God. i was to learn from their words, their actions, their life style. it was such a blessing and an encouragement to have met everyone at the Abraham Project and for my teammates who are totally amazing! 

and then again, God placed me at the vision retreat to show me what it means to be a faithful, humble, servant of God -- dr. kim. his testimonies and messages were just what i needed to hear. i mean i knew it, but to hear it from another person's experience and be reminded once again and to learn new things -- was such a blessing. i feel like God has been just blessing with so many great things. and through the retreat, God has reaffirmed my heart for the brokenness in children's lives, helping them find hope and give them a hope in their future through educating them. i kind of doubted my reasoning for wanting to go into the inner city to teach, but i'm about 90% sure that God has called me there. all the people i talked to so far had told me i shouldn't, especially since it'll be my first year teaching ((thats if i get a teaching position in the first place haha)) and i shouldn't go if i wasn't called for it... but i think i am. like i said, i'm about 90% sure. i just need to pray for that last 10% because i don't want to go into something that i cannot do. and i know that God doesn't give me things that i can't handle, unless it was out of my own stubbornness... which i pray that it's not... so that 10% reeeeeeally needs to be confirmed. heh, dont got much time..... 

heh, anyways, as i look back at the last few months of my life, its a life changing experience. no doubt about it. i've always known that God was in control of my life, but to feel it, see it, and experience it at another level is WOW. i know i have grown so much in the past few months because of God's grace and love and peace that was sown in my heart. without the struggles, challenges, and difficulties that i had to face, i wouldn't be where i am and who i am now. i'm still growing, struggling, and facing challenges, but i welcome it all with open arms. i know that there is something bigger and better that waits at the end of the tunnel, shining oh so brightly with things that i have never imagined before :)

so, now what? well, all i have to do is put all that i've learned [[especially the bullets points up there]] into action. this will be challenging, heh :P its always easier said than done, but i'm up for the challenge. are you?

make some room

i've been getting QTs from OTL everyday. it's from the book "My Utmost for His Highest" and today's QT was titled "Leave Room for God." it was from Galatians 1:15. the author talked about how we need to make room for God to come in as He pleases. the author stated,

"No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to overlook this element of surprise, yet God never works in any other way. Suddenly— God meets our life "...when it pleased God..." [Gal. 1:15].

God comes into our lives and reveals things to us as He pleases [and He even takes away as He pleases]. just as He did to Paul, He does the same for us. if we don't leave room for God to govern our lives, then we miss the opportunity for God to show us something so wonderful. i think it's when we put 100% of all that we have in God and allowing God to use us to do all that we can in our own power -- that's when miraculous things happen. once we leave everything up to God, all the humanly possible things come so easily and so naturally. sometimes, we don't need to put in 100% of the things that we can do because God just takes care of it.

i know it's easier said than done. everyone at times struggle to put it into action, but as we discipline ourselves to "let go and let God," we automatically leave room for God to do His thing His way so that all we need to do is look for Him and at Him instead looking at where or when or how he comes in, just like the author said -- "Do not look for God to come in a particular way, but do look for Him. The way to make room for Him is to expect Him to come, but not in a certain way."

and i feel like this is where faith comes in, as well. the more we learn to trust God, our faith grows and becomes stronger, which then leads us to leave room for God to sit in the driver's seat. and when our faith grows, we are that much closer to Him and the peace, grace, and joy is so much more evident in our lives -- within our words and actions.

i pray that we can all grow and learn to trust God and let him take control over our lives. He is the one who planned every part of our lives. we don't have to worry about what the next step will be. because He is guiding us each and every way, all we have to do is say, "Lord, I give it all up to you." but that doesn't mean we should stop doing our part. it just means letting God take full control of it -- to be the boss, so that we, as the workers, can do our assigned work and follow in His directions.

its been a while...

it's been a while. haven't been blogging for quite a while now... i think the last tym was in high school with xanga haha but lately, i've been wanting to write down my thoughts and all, but didn't exactly find a blog site. i didn't want to go back to xanga... so i found this site through new friends and then found out that other friends already had it haha ....yea, i'm kinda slow. super slow at tyms... but, i've finally come around to it and here's my first entry. yipeee? heh :P

anyways, can't believe tym is going by so fast. who would've thought it'd be 2010 already?? sometimes it feels so surreal cuz i still feel lyk i'm 18 and in high school. but yeaa, i'm not anymore. heh... so many things happened since then and honestly, i'm so thankful for every moment of it. there were definitely many ups&downs, but this past year has been the highest point (and a new beginning) where God revealed a lot more than before. Or maybe, it was me finally taking my shades off to clearly see what i've been missing.

as i look back at 2009, i think there were many more downs than ups -- with family, friends, relationships. but through it all -- the challenges, heartaches, and the emptiness here and there -- God's been showing me the simplest thing ever. HE is in CONTROL. i mean, i've always known that, but it was such an eye opener to really see it happening in my life. Everything had to happen the way it did for me to be where i am and see the things the way i see it now and the past year. it was just the perfect timing. so perfect that only God could have done it.

now, its january 2010. God hasn't stopped opening my eyes. through costa rica missions, He has taught me what it means to have faith in Him and what happens when you do. and once again, He steps out to say that He is in control. all we have to do is have faith and trust Him. i know that this is all something that we know, but honestly, i haven't really experienced it this deeply. and now, i understand. it's like a whole new level. and especially with the peace and grace and joy i've come to know and feel, it makes it so much more meaningful and WOW! ...i'm speechless.

you know, there won't be a time where i'll ever stop struggling or facing the darkness. in fact, i know i will face many more hardships. but i can truly testify that i have His light guiding my way, giving me hope, courage, and confidence to go through the hardships with a smile knowing that at the end, there's going to be a greater blessing to embrace :) heh, i love it. i'm scared and excited at the same time, but i'm not worried. nope, not worried one bit ... ehhh, maybe i'll take that 'one bit' outt :P i am worried, but.. [sings...]

"i've got peace deep down inside of me. God's peace and love has set me free. Jesus said don't worry, it's good enough for me. i've got peace deep down inside of me! the flowers in the field and the birds up above. don't worry about a thing because Jesus knows. Just like a splendid flower, they blossom and grow. just like a peaceful sparrow they will always know."
heh, i love children's praise songs. goes straight to the point so that anyone can understand it and sing along to it~ :)