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just what i needed to read&hear.

God's words, my daily bread. 

just what i needed to read and hear.

Colossians 1: 9-14

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, 

we have not stopped praying for you 

and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will 

through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. 

And we pray this in order that 

you may live a life worthy of the Lord 

and may please him in every way: 

bearing fruit in every good work, 

growing in the knowledge of God, 

being strengthened with all power 

according to his glorious might 

so that you may have great endurance and patience, 

and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, 

who has qualified you to share 

in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. 

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness 

and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 

in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

Amen.

Cross Country Vision Trip

@Saddle Back Church, Lake Forest, CA

HellooO!!! Sorry for the super late Cross Country Vision Trip update. A big part of it was because I was lazy to write my thoughts out, but I shouldn’t delay it any longer. So, I apologize for the lateness of my reflection.

Mm… So, it’s been almost 3 weeks since the team returned from the vision trip. It was a total of 14 people (10 GCC members and 4 Shoutai Church members). We took the GCC 15 passenger van, which the guys drove, and the minivan that the ladies drove. I believe we went to about 25 states and drove over thousands of miles in just 2 weeks. Every other day we were in the car, driving to our next destination.

Honestly, I didn’t really expect much from this trip. I didn’t sign up the first time because I thought the trip was for those who wanted to ask God for vision in America. I was thinking about leaving the United States for missions, not living in the States for too long in the future. Therefore, I thought this trip wasn’t for me and didn’t plan on anything. However, after committing to go to Japan, some people thought it was good idea for me to go. It would give me a chance to build relationships with the Shoutai Church members. And I thought that was a good idea, so I decided to go.

But oh boy, I was a blessed so much on this trip. I didn’t go with any expectations and just wanted to get to know the Shoutai Church members and some of the GCC people. However, God opened my eyes to see beyond my expectations. Through this trip, I learned how God truly provides for His children and the relationships I built with all the members on this trip were a blessing. Yes, it was tiring at times, especially because I was one of the drivers; but even that was a blessing in it itself!!

Each place we visited (Chicago, Mt. Rushmore, Seattle, Portland, California, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Flagstaff (AZ), Ocean City (MA), and Philadelphia) God provided food, lodging, and new friendships. God opened my eyes to see that whether it’s through other sisters and brothers who provided for us with food or lodging or how Jefferson and Pastor Brian took us out to eat at most of the fast food restaurants or buffet style food, God lead each and every step of the way. It was God orchestrating everything. He opened my eyes to see the beauty of His creations in America. And even though I’m not the biggest fan of the United States, haha, He showed me how much He loves America and the people living in this nation.

Furthermore, God revealed to me what I needed to let go in order to fully commit and obey His calling for me. While we were driving throughout Arizona and into New Mexico, God reminded me of a promise I made to Him back in my senior year of high school. It was my first missions trip to New Mexico! There, my heart grew for people living without hope, dream, love, and trust. It was at my first missions trip that I committed to God in wanting to work in children/youth ministry and eventually become a missionary. I remember promising Him that I would leave everything behind to go wherever He calls me to – that I would leave my family and friends and this life in the States and GO. He reminded me of this promise I made and where my heart’s condition was. I carried my family’s burdens as top priority. I was planning on my future with going to seminary or getting my full teacher’s license, but something hindered me from taking steps into my future. And that was it – I was tied down by family’s burdens (especially financial burdens). That was the reason why I needed to let my family burdens go because God was calling me to something bigger than that. He knew I would be wavering if I didn’t let that go. And He was right. I had doubts and my heart was wavering back and forth to whether I should or shouldn’t be doing the things I planned, even going to Japan. At the end of the day, I would usually end up listening to my parent’s advice more than God.

I believe that God there’s a reason for everything. He had a bigger reason for me to go on this trip, beyond my understanding. And that is exactly what God taught me. I shouldn’t put God in a box nor should my family’s burden consume me. I need to give it up to God because I know this will be a hindrance to my future ministry. I’m praying that God will continue to work in me to reveal the things I need to let go so that I can focus on the ministry He has laid out before me, especially with Japan, as well as wisdom and discernment in hearing His voice through the Words and prayer.

I thank God for the things He revealed to me and the relationships built through this trip. I got to know the Shoutai Church members pretty well. What surprised me the most was that all the Shoutai Church members were opening up to everyone. I felt so blessed when talking with all the sisters. We were able to share our fears, burdens, joys in our life, and more. Old friendships were deepened and new friendships were created beyond superficiality. I can’t stop thanking Him for the wonderful, amazing 2 weeks on the road with everyone. Honestly, I was a little worried that we wouldn’t get along, but once again, God proved me wrong! Haha, I believe by the end of the 2 weeks, we became a family – united together by the love of Jesus Christ.

Please continue to pray for Japan, Shoutai Church, and me. I will be starting the English Class next Tuesday (9/20). Please pray for protection over the class and the students, that Satan will not take this as an opportunity to hinder God working through the church to share the Gospel. And also for me, that the Holy Spirit will work through me to teach the students and share God’s love with them through my words and action. And last but not least, please pray for one high school student I met. Her name is Ai Honda and she’s Philippine. She’s a friend of Ayako (one of the Shoutai Church high school student). I met her for the first time yesterday. She came with Ayako to church and it was her first coming into a church (she’s catholic, but doesn’t regularly attend). She’s super friendly and I want to take this opportunity to reach out to her. Please pray that God will work through us to reach out to Ai in sharing the Gospel.

Thank youu!! And I hope you’re doing well and enjoying the autumn weather in the States. I do miss it! It’s still really hot and humid here in Japan. Haha but no complaints! :P

hellooo from japan ;)

hello hello~~

first, i want to thank God for giving me this opportunity and providing me with everything i needed to get to japan. and i want to thank you all for your prayers and support!! without partnering with you, i wouldn't be able to come here, so thank you so much -- from the bottom of my heart. 

i arrived here in kawasaki, japan safe&sound last night! my flight from JFK to Incheon was good~~ except.. i think i got motion sickness because after the first meal, i started feeling a bit uneasy and by the end of the flight, i threw it up :P err sorry... i think that was TMI :P but i wanted to be as detailed to let you know how i'm doing :D

but yes, one of the pastor (and missionary) and the assistant pastor came to pick me up at Narita Airport and it took a little over an hour to get to Shoutai Church. i will be staying with Cho Sensei (Missionary Cho) for the rest of this week. then i will be going to do a "home stay" at one of the member's house. they wanted to invite me over to stay with them so next week i'll be heading over to their house... but i don't know who it is haha :P i think he said they're korean.


today was a "resting day" where i slept in til 10am and talked with Oh Sensei (sa mo nim -- Cho Sensei's wife) for a little while eating breakfast and lunch. then i went down to the 1st floor of the church and helped them out with packing QT books that they make here (of course, all in japanese) because other churches like the QT books that Cho Sensei made. Cho Sensei first made these QT books himself and few other surrounding churches saw it and wanted to get a copy. but now, since most of the surrounding churches wanted more, they publish it and mail them out. it was fun packing and i met few other church members who were helping with packaging them. then before dinner, i walked around the neighborhood a little to familiarize myself, but they all looked the same. it actually reminded me a little of korea and it's narrow streets and many store signs :P

for the rest of the week, i will be playing by ear (there's nothing specific planned out, but a day to day thing). but tomorrow i'll be meeting with pastor jang (a missionary from korea) to review and discuss the english classes. i'll be able to look at what clara and grace did and where they left off kind of and starting next monday or tuesday, we'll be handing out flyers and such for the english classes and hopefully start within a week :)

please continue to pray with me! thank you~~ and God Bless!! 

Prayer Request:

1. Japan and the people living in Kawasaki to open their hearts and allow the Holy Spirit to work within them -- to find salvation and new hope&light in Jesus Christ.
2. Missionary Cho and His family, as well as Shoutai Church to be the light and love unto the people of Kawasaki.
3. English classes and the students that will be attending -- for protection from satan that he will not distract and hinder the students and their families from coming to class; for God to work through the students to reach out to their non-christian friends.
4. For me, as I start to prepare for the English class -- for God's wisdom and guidance through it all.

btw.. hehe my first interview!! :P go check it out~~ krapydna blog

maybe it's not supposed to be...

maybe i'm all wrong. maybe i just fell into satan's temptation and running away from reality and it's just all my dream, my ideal world that i'm trying to bring to life. maybe i'm really dumb and stupid to realize that it wasn't God's timing. maybe i'm just too selfish and was thinking about myself and how i wanted to do missions. or maybe i'm just really discouraged and so lost that i'm falling into satan's power to feel that what i'm heading into is not the "right" answer and falling into the dark pit.

i mean, c'mon.. look at me.. i graduated 2 years ago, been working part time-ish jobs (altho its full time hours) and haven't gone anywhere with my life and my character hasn't changed and i'm still acting like an 18 year old. what i thought i was doing right and thought it was God leading me.... maybe that was me thinking it instead -- just trying to convince myself that it was God when it was me all along. or maybe i'm... maybe i'm....

Father, how stupid am i? the thoughts that are running through my head... why am i still wavering? why can't i tell black from white? why am i so weak? why is it that i haven't changed... that i've become worse? why am i so blinded? why am i so stupid? this isn't me you created... i'm not living up to the expectations that you had when you created me. instead, i'm going the opposite way. there are so many times when i don't want to go on... when i wish i had the guts to end it. there are so many times i want to quit and become a loser and go down. i am being selfish. i know. when did i become so selfish? why am i the person that i am today? where did i go wrong? how can i go back? if only i can turn back time... if only i was smarter... if only i was a good daughter... if only i was a good sister... if only i was a good friend... if only i wasn't the selfish being that i am... heh, if only, right? Father God, i'm sorry for the person that i've become. i'm sorry for going astray and failing you so many times. i'm sorry for making the same mistakes and being this selfish person and thinking about me right now. wow~ its all "i" "i" "i" "me" "me" "me." Jesus, can you bring me back to you? can you please turn my mind, my body, my soul away from myself and from this world -- and bring me back to you? teach me to be humble and turn my attention away from myself as you break me.... break me real hard... so that i don't come back to this state and grow, grow to be stronger, bolder, more faithful and trusting in you? God, i want trust you. i want to trust you. i want to surrender it all and trust in you alone. there's no one i can trust, not even myself. there's nothing else, no one else, but you. i need you, God, i need your right now...

lessons learned...

God surely listens and answer prayers. sometimes it seems like i'm making it up, but when i step outside of my lil box, it can't be me who's letting things happen out of coincidences. i mean i don't believe in coincidences. i believe it's all God's doing and there is a reason for why it happens in that specific time. does that make sense??

heh, it does in my head haha but it's God for sure who's teaching me through my wonderful sisters He placed in my life. without these sisters, i don't how i would've been able to reflect back and connect it all.  it's definitely the Holy Spirit working in them and God using them as His instruments to help me put my head together.

so, the lessons i've learned so far:

1. God answers prayers.
2. God takes away your distractions/hinderances so that you can focus on what He has planned for you.
3. you have to give others the opportunity to bless you [financially, rides, etc.]

4. it's ok to express your feelings and share your thoughts.

5. don't be wishy-washy. keep your word/promise. let your yes be yes and no be no.

6. ministry will be hard and stressful, but God is good :)

these are things that are so simple, easy and should've been we all know/learned long before, but it's more important to me because these are things that i had trouble learning. heh, honestly, i'm kinda "slow" haha not to put myself down or anything, but in order for me to fully understand and realize, at times, i have to experience it myself in order to learn that specific lesson. and boy, i've made many mistakes and gone through quite a few experiences for me to learn the lesson -- in a hard way.

i'm really thankful for the struggles i faced this past couple of months. God showed me the ugly sins in my heart, even the ones that were right in front of me [the ones i knew i needed to confront and change, but was never successful and always failed at changing]. 

i know no one wants to pray for brokenness because GOD REALLY ANSWERS YOUR PRAYERS when you do. i've been praying for brokenness, healing, molding and renewed/changed heart. and that's what God's been doing in my life. the stress/fatigue/tiredness from work, loneliness inside my heart, feeling of emptiness all around, etc... were some things that God used to break me. mann, it tore me up to the point where i've become numb to it. i was so numb inside that i didn't even know i was numb. but, honestly, by the grace and mercy of God, i am able to confront one sin at a time as i experience it by making mistakes and falling and being rebuked [out of love] and venting and healing.

suffering is part of God's plan for us -- to show us and teach us to find joy and peace even in the mist of it all. suffering is part of the Gospel. suffering isn't bad and God didn't promise us that we'd be prosperous and free from the sufferings of this world. instead He told us to carry our cross and follow Him or else we cannot be His disciple [Luke 14: 27]. and carrying our cross will be burdensome and heavy. however, God made a promise to us -- we do not have to carry our cross or burdens by ourselves. He promised to be there with us, helping us carry our yoke [Matthew 11:28-30].

even tho i have a long way to go and my list will grow longer and longer, i know this was God teaching me to spiritually prepare for japan and for my future ministry. and although i will fail and fall, i know God placed people in my life to rebuke me, teach me, and help me through it all. i'm embarrassed to learn it through the mistakes that i made/will make, but i'm not perfect. i'm the worst sinner, but God still loves me. He loves me for who i am, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made [Psalm 139: 14] by the Creator, my Father, my God.

keeps 'em coming

there's so much ugliness inside and i didn't fully realize it before. for the past few months, God's been showing me... no, magnifying the ugliness/sins in me.

and He just keeps 'em coming.

as i was driving back home tonight, i was reflecting back on my actions this past few weeks/months. there were so many things that i didn't like and especially tonight, there was an unsettled feeling inside. i just kept thinking about it -- replaying the whole scene in my head and why i acted the way i did. i didn't realize that there was a deer in the middle of the road. luckily, the deer ran away just in time as i put my foot on the brakes. automatically, i began to pray -- not only for thanking God about focusing my eyes on the road, but it just felt like it was God's way of telling me to WAKE UP! i realized that i shouldn't be just thinking about these things and trying to think of ways to change it or fix it. instead, i should've been lifting it all up to God in prayer. it showed me that it was me who was trying to see what i can do to my power, not God. if i kept thinking about it and wasn't focused on the road (which has been happening a lot lately...) i would've hit that deer and gotten into an accident. 

i don't know if i'm over dramatizing/thinking about it. i mean there's a reason why God continues to show me the ugliness inside... so that i can acknowledge it and lay it before God. it's not shown before me so that i can fix it by my own strength or knowledge, but to be led by the Holy Spirt. i can fix it or watch that i don't repeat it so many times, but i'll fail at the end because it was by my own strength. i can try to do it myself, but it's a temporary fix. and sooner or later, i'll end up making the same mistake again.

its late and as always, i don't know if i made any sense or not. didn't realize this whole blogging thing kinda sorda helps me sort my mind. but one thing is for sure... God's been listening to my prayers. He's taking the distractions outt and magnifying the ugliness in my heart so that i can learn to change it into something pure and holy for God.

Father God, i'm not perfect. 

in fact, i'm the worst sinner i know. 

but God, this is my prayer...

change my heart, O God, 

make it ever true. 

change my heart, O God, 

may i be like You.