the ugliness in my heart.

God is very direct and clear. if He wants to show you something, He will. and God's been doing that for me as i go through each day here at GLDI (Global Leadership Development Institute). the second week is coming to an end in 2 days... but honestly, its been tough -- physically, spiritually, and emotionally. the schedule is jam packed as our day starts off from with optional early morning prayer @5:30am with at least 2 hr lectures 3 times a day and an about 2.5 hrs personal time during the day with 3 meals and the day comes to an end @ 10:30pm with family discussion time. so, physically it's tiring, but i can manage it through. but the struggle starts here -- spiritually and emotionally.

the first week was great! haha i was really hyper and crazy and jumping off the walls as the first group leaders and staffs welcomed everyone and being with our family group (small group), i tried to put myself out there and joke around and lighten up the mood so that everyone can be comfortable. haha but i think i scared some of my girls a little cause i was pretty.... weird. haha :P

anyways, as the first week went by, worship and prayer was just awesome. i felt like God was really there with us during worship because nothing held us back from giving it all to praise Him. but slowly, i started to sit in the back and i found myself becoming more quieter, especially in those awkward, quiet times when youre finding your way to a sit during lecture or walking to/from lectures/meals... you know those times? yeaa~ well, i was quieter than before. i mean, when people were around me, i'd joke and laugh and smile and talk and all, but that was just on the outside. inside, it was totally the opposite. it felt so... empty? blank? out of it? ... it just felt so... quiet inside. and i didn't understand why. why was i feeling so quiet? why wasn't i feeling at peace and love while i was worshipping? why didn't i feel the same on the inside as i did on the outside when people were around? and ever since, i've kept on sighing. when it became quiet, one sigh after another came out.

and i was thinking about it. all of sudden, why did i feel so ... not there? disconnected? it felt like a wall was up -- nothing going in or out. just... empty. but then, as i started to think about it all, i realized that 

it was my sin. haha who would've though?!! im just laughing because wow, God totally opened my eyes to see the deeper ugliness in me. i didn't think i had these idols inside me, but mann... oh boy oh boy... He clearly spelled it out for me.

so prior to GLDI, i did the daniel fast and i felt like God listened to my prayers and one by one He answered them. i knew that all of them wasn't fully answered, but He was going to continue to work through me at GLDI, specifically with clarity within my future and discipline. i thought that as i was doing the daniel fast, God purified my heart from my past and cleansed me, as well as my desire for Him grew more because i was fasting to grow deeper in knowledge&love through reading the bible and going to prayer mtgs and everything.... but boy was i wrong! haha all of these four prayers i had during the daniel fast is being answered right now -- here at GLDI.

the first few days of GLDI was like the honeymoon stage. i was hyper and excited for everyone and myself and i was so pumped up. haha but i think thats one of my problems... i get so excited in the beginning of something and then i slowly get... quiet, heh, and a bit tired. and i get quieter and quieter and becomes laziness, but then when im around people, i go along with their mood. haha weird, right? yeaa thats me :P

heh, you know, my mind feels like it's all over the place, yet, at the same time, there's nothing in there. and it's frustrating at times, but then at times i know it's because im struggling with pride (proudness), fear, love, and self-control. haha so, self control is controlling the amount of food i eat lol but in seriousness, God revealed to me that i was being prideful and i had this "i know it all" attitude. so like i said, i did daniel fast prior to coming to GLDI. the whole "i know it all" attitude came out during the first week when we learned about personal transformation, such as what sin is, repentance and restoration from God, spiritual leadership, and overcoming conflicts. although there were some new things i've learned, but i knew the jist of most of the topics. throughout the this past year, i've been learning about these things through discipleship and all... and i thought i've repented all of my sins and was restore with God -- i became a new wineskin and all i needed was the Holy Spirit to pour new wine into the new wineskin i had (matthew 9:16-17). but I WAS WRONG! :(

God revealed the deeper idols in my heart that i didn't know about. i never thought that i was a prideful person. i know how sinful i am and inadequate i am because i still lack a lot of things (i'm not saying this to be pitied or anything or being modest). it's the truth. and so God showed me that i had this idol within me because i thought i knew better and knew more about sin and repentance and everything because i did it already. so i came to GLDI with the wrong attitude -- i came with the i know it all" attitude and i didn't realize it until towards the end of first week that i had this attitude. and it's hindering me from carrying out my responsibilities as the first family group leader and emotionally, im starting to feel empty and distancing myself from God and worship time and it feels like it's distracting me from focusing growing intimately with God -- to connect with Him. there are so many times i want to cry sooooo much, but i can't. no tear, no nothing comes out. there was one time that i cried and i felt God smiling down, but it felt so distant. and it's frustrating when i'm by myself and i get so physically tired and emotional and spiritually weak. 

God's also revealing the idols of fear from wanting to please others and get other's approval. and that definitely stems out of fear because i don't want to be alone. i want to have and make friends and develop this deeper relationship, but i'm not even connecting with myself so how can i develop a deeper relationship with others? so it becomes a somewhat of a surface/superficial kinda relationship (at least in my eyes). i mean i definitely care for my sisters and brothers and worry about them when they look down or i sense that somethings happening. it's not like they are not towards me either, but maybe it's just me magnifying everything 300%. but now i see that me wanting to please others and get their approval stems out of fear, which is absence of love. and i see where that is coming from... heh...

but honestly, it's such a struggle for me -- an inner battle that i cant fight off. you know, it's not that i can't fight it, i feel so weak and ashamed to have this idol inside me that i need to repent and embrace God's love within me, but ... im not. why? because... im not sure. im not sure what i'm doing. im not sure how to do it (although i know i how to do it... it's just that im not doing it). i feel like i've become this lazy bum that sits on her butt not doing anything when she can do it as she comes before the cross. i mean that's all i have to, but why am i not doing it? ahh! i don't know how i stress myself out and frustrate myself like this. and then, this leads to another idol -- putting the focus on me and my problems and not facing to the cross. i've put up this wall up and it's so transparent. i can see the cross on the other side. but im just chained up against the wall and lying faced down, slowly lifting up my head, wanting to go to the cross, but no strength to do it....

so this is what's going on in my head and in my heart. i know it all -- everything is in my head, but my heart... my heart is disconnected and distant from putting the thoughts in my head into action. 

Father God, set me free. set me free from my own chains. 

from the sins and idols of my life. let me let it all go and run to the cross. 

i don't want to just have that spiritual high that is only temporary, 

but the spiritual high thats everlasting in You.

set me free, Father, set me free. 

and take me back to the cross.

back to the cross once again.