a child of God

i am a child of God. yes, i am! :)

i think i'm starting to feel what this phrase means. i mean i always knew that i am a child of God, but as pastor jae said in prayer meeting alst night -- that our identity should be in God and nothing else -- it hit me.

so this is how it began... throughout the prayer meeting, i was really out of it, tyred from work and just empty. i felt empty -- emotionally, physically, spiritually. i felt jsut drained out... i couldnt write it down cuz there weren't any pens so i just listened to everyone's prayer requests. and as the lights turned off and the music started playing. people were getting ready to go into prayer mode and i stepped out for a moment and came back in. i sat down and saw everyone praying around me. i tried to pray, to say something, but "abba, Father" came out so i just sat there the whole time. heh, i wanted to ask someone to pray for me right then and there, but my mouth wouldnt move and plus, everyone was praying so passionately. the whole time i kept thinking, "...what is wrong with me? why can't i not pray?  ...  i just want to feel. i just want to cry. i feel so empty inside..." so pretty much, i was just putting myself down, putting my already low self-esteem almost to the bottom, reaching down to ground.... to the core. heh, but yeaa~ i guess i was just having a self-pity party haha :P

but as the prayer meeting went on, i just sat there. i kept thinking about how i wanted to feel and have my heart broken and feel what God feels. that's what i meant by i want to feel. i want my heart to break for something/someone and cry out for them when i pray. i wanted to be like the way i was with Cambodia. that's what i wanted. i wanted to feel.

so, finally when we all came together, pastor jae talked about where our identity lies. our identity needs to be in God and nothing else. If we are one with Christ, finding out identity within God and God alone, we will be filled and never empty because God fills us up. But if we find our identity within something else -- like money, job, or even in ourself -- then we're just puffing up. when you picture being filled up and puffed up, it seems to be different (at least i feel like it is). although you're full with both, but it's like being satisfied kind of full vs. being full because i ate too much. so that would be the difference, you kinda get what i mean? and so, being filled is always satisfying and won't blow away as when you're puffed up full, then it can suddenly pop! just like popping a balloon. poof! and it's gone.

so as pastor jae spoke those words and we prayed altogether, it was a little different. but it still didn't hit me then. after prayer meeting, i just came out and walked to my car. while i was walking, i still kept thinking about "is tthere wrong with me? why can't my heart break for something/someone while other people do? why can't i pray passionately? what's wrong with me?" and i still felt blehh~ and drained and tyred. even through the drive home, i felt so ashamed of myself.

but then! WOW! GOD IS SOOOO GOOD! and perfect with timing! haha :P

i came home and after i got into bed, i realized what pastor jae meant. i mean i knew that i was a child of God and my identity was within Him, but lately, it's wasn't. my identity lied within me. ever since i started to think about my profession and my decision to take the praxis and become a teacher and all of that... i kept putting myself down. i knew i wasn't good enough academically, i knew i was a sinner and i wasn't worthy of anything, but i believed all of that and lost all my confidence, regardless of how encouraging my friends were to me. but it wasn't what i meant when i wasn't good enough, that i was a sinner and unworthy of anything -- i kept telling myself that and forgot the second half of it. i forgot to tell myself "I AM A CHILD OF GOD!" so all of that doesn't matter because my identity is in Christ and He is the one who gave me a new life to start over and i am worthy because I AM A CHILD OF GOD! wow, how could i have been that stupid? that forgetful? ...God must be looking down on me and shaking His head and laughing.

i don't know if i'm spiritually being under attack or if it was just me... but mann~ last night before i realized all of this, i was ready to give up on the things i said i would be doing because i thought it wasn't worth it if i was just speaking it out of wanting other people to think that i'm spritually good or something but i don't really feel anything inside. but then i really should listen more carefully. so i got back into reading regularly each day now and as im reading through deuteronomy, it kept talking about listening carefully to what God has commanded us, being obedient to God's command, and following through with what we vow (say) we'll do.

“When you make a vow to the Lord your God, be prompt in fulfilling whatever you promised him. For the Lord your God demands that you promptly fulfill all your vows, or you will be guilty of sin. However, it is not a sin to refrain from making a vow. But once you have voluntarily made a vow, be careful to fulfill your promise to the Lord your God." Deuteronomy 23: 21-23

and so because i made this vow, i will keep my promise. this is actually one of my prayers --  to be disciplined (spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally) and to put my words into action. and along with this prayer, i'm also praying for purity and to let go of my past, desire God more and more and more, and to find clarity in my future.

so whenever you have time, if you can, can you pray for me with these four prayers? thank youu!!

all in all, haha, i feel so much lighter now. but honestly, i dont know what it is, but my heart still feels a bit heavy. it's been like this for few weeks and i can't get a grasp on what is making me feel this way. maybe i'll have another awakenings like this one -- hopefully it'll be soon. heh. ::sigh in relief:: haha but i'm just so thankful that God clearly spoke through pastor jae at the prayer meeting and now i can see that it's not about me, but it's always about God and who God is and who i am within God -- and that's all that matters :)