may my mouth & my heart be pleasing to you

i've been listening to francesca battistelli's whole album [my paper heart] the past few days. i love it so much! :) the songs are just awesome. its so encouraging~ i<3it! hehe :P

lately, ive been so lazy. i have all these things i want to write down, but i never know how to articulate them. and i have this fear of saying what i think but then being rejected or thinking that i didnt say it the right way or something. i've always had this thing where i would hesitate before i said anything and made sure that i would say it in my head to make sure that i said the right thing and other ppl would accept it. but all this fear stemmed out of my fear of not being accepted by others because i always lacked confidence in myself and i was just afraid of so many things... and haha its quite funny when i think about it now. i've changed a lot... but i know i gotta beat these fears out of me because i still have bits 'n pieces of it left inside. hence my laziness to write my thoughts down...

however, i realized that it all begins with conviction [to want to confess]. confession. conviction [to want to change and be made new again]. brokenness. repentance. forgiveness. and finally a revival. without you having this sharp pain of something poking at you, you won't really come down to your knees to genuinely have this strong desire to confess your sins in giving all that you have to surrender it and turn away from it. and from then on, once you have this conviction and confess it, you'll be convicted again, wanting to get rid of the old rag and put on a new garment to be broken down by God and for God so that we can melt ourselves away and be molded by the grace of God who forgave us and begin a new journey to start a new, exciting chapter -- a new revival.

it's all something that we know. but it never hurts to read it again, right? heh, i know i read things, but sometimes (most of the tyms) i breeze through it and don't really think about it. and then later, i come back to it realizing "wow, so this is what it really means..." and its so refreshing and encouraging because you learn something and you see how its so relevant. it feels lyk God just pointed out to you saying "READ IT AGAIN!" kinda thing hahaha i think i say too much of the same thing over again at times.. ehh, whateves. heh, this is me. what can i do? :P

anyways, im always so thankful for the way God intervenes in my life -- through friends, songs, friend's blogs, the way He whispers in my prayers, and His words. im always so encouraged and i feel so joyful inside whenever he speaks to me through other ppl or lyrics. lyk i said, im not good at articulating my thoughts and feelings at times, especially if it comes to serious or deeper/serious things. i always second guess myself. but through songs or what other ppl say, i can relate to it or i think about it and try to process it in my heart, but then bringing it up to my head and letting the words come out of my mouth is so... hard. heh~

but i feel so joyful inside. i dont think the word "happy" would serve the purpose of describing how my heart feels. back in youth group, a pastor gave a sermon about the difference between being happy and being joyful. so... happy is a temporary kind of feeling. lyk youre happy when you see your friend, youre happy when you eat your favorite food, your happy when you get a new car, etc. but if you look at being happy, its something that doesn't last long. its just a temporary feeling when something is happening at that moment. lyk youre happy when you see your friend, but when that friend leaves, are you still feeling happy? or when you're done with your favorite food, are you happy even after? but joyfulness -- it's everlasting. being joyful is permanent because well, it just is. hahaha no, but i think with joygulness, its something that satisfies and fills a void. it's that satisfaction that will forever be there because its so intense and its the source, not the outcome (like happiness). im not sure if i explained it well, but yeaa, hopefully you got it :P

okk i feel lyk im all over the place, but in a good way :) lately, my thoughts were scattered all over the place and i couldn't seem to put it into words for others to read or hear. but i think im trying too hard to get my words out there too much -- lyk it's for ppl to recognize that i said it. and lately i feel like God's teaching me to honor all that i do for Him and that it's not for me. this feeling of wanting to be recognized by others stemmed out as i served in children's ministry for over 6 years. i started to get a little boastful in the positions i've been in and the humble serving heart i started out with glorifying [honoring] God had turned into "look at me! im a sunday school teacher! i organized this event! im the director of the children's ministry now!" this happened because the last 2 years or so, i was lost in my own little world, which was under my control. but thankfully, by God's grace, He pulled me away and broke me down completely. i am so thankful and grateful for what God has done and through the past 5 months, God revealed Himself to me in a whole new level. my love for Him grew through the trials and hardships, especially in my relationships and family situations the past year, and im learning to be obedient. it's so hard, but i can see myself changing little by little, i mean really really little, tiny steps. but yeaa, with this peace, joy, love, and grace given by God to me is my strength that pulls me continue to seek after God, to be disciplined in his words [QT] and prayer, and with baby steps, to be transformed into a child of God that comes to her knees in the time in between -- prayer.

im not writing this to be boastful or bragging or anything. but this is me. it's my heart speaking and not my mind. if it was my mind, i would've kept asking myself "should i say this? should i say that? what would other ppl think?" and not really have written anything [because i did that with few entries] but not this time. i might not have fully explained what my heart wants to say and with not explaining my past trials and hardships and other stuff, but yeaa... haha whaaaaateves. i dont know what im really trying to say here. haha God knows that this entry is all in praising Him and thanking Him for all that He did, is doing, and will do, so that's all that matters! i love you, God. thank you. no really, THANK YOU!! ;)

but i gotta write this lyric down. its "may the words of my mouth" by shane&shane. its been in my heart for the past few days and it's what i feel like this entry comes down to... i pray that the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart will honor God because its not for me, but for you, my God, to please you forever more :)

may the words of my mouth

and the meditation of my heart

be pleasing to you

you're my rock and my redeemer

you're the reason that i sing

i desire to be a blessing in your eyes

every hour and every moment

Lord i want to be your servant

i desire to be a blessing in your eyes