Lord prepare me

as i being to write this entry, in less than 2 hours, i will finish my daniel fast. as i committed to doing the 3 week fast, i wasn't going to tell anyone, but just a few to keep me accountable because even in the bible it says in matthew 6:16-18, 


"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."


so thats what i wanted to do and follow, but then i ended up telling ppl who asked why i didn't eat or eat other foods and all, but then a friend told me that it's not about what youre not eating or giving up, but where your heart is in glorifying God. and that's so true. but i didn't go and tell everyone, but whoever asked.


but anywayyyyyy~~


this past 3 weeks were awesome. no really, it was! yeaaaaaaa~ i couldn't eat the food i wanted to eat and were on a strict diet (as i followed the daniel fast food list - with the exception of eating fish&some seafood), God revealed my shortcomings and weaknesses, as well as put my words into action. my purpose and prayers while i was doing this was four things...


1. purity -- to be freed from my past and purified physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.
2. discipline -- in all aspects of my life, especially self-discipiling myself spiritually and fixing my weakness.
3. desire -- desiring God more and more and always being dependent on Him.
4. clarity -- in my future within the education field and/or some kind of ministry and finding my path in how to go about it.


with these four things in mind, i started it. honestly, the first 2 weeks, i was a bit lazy, not doing much. but during the first week, as i was reading through Deuteronomy 23:21-23,


"If you make a vow to the LORD your God, do not be slow to pay it, for the LORD your God will certainly demand it of you and you will be guilty of sin. But if you refrain from making a vow, you will not be guilty. Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth."

it says that if we vow to God saying that "i will do this," then i have to do it because i made a vow with God. and i remember on tuesday, 5/11, i wanted to give up on this so badly, but then i read this verse and a part of was like "whoaaa~ i'll get in trouble if i don't do this." so it kind of scared me because i didn't want to get in trouble with God and plus, if i said i'd do it, then i have to. so here was the start of putting my words into action. the problem with me was that i said i would do it and i do... i start it, but then i kind of start to get lazy and not want to do it, but these verses popped out like stars shining on a dark night so brightly that i didn't want to mess with and keep going. 

and so one weakness God showed me was that i lack perseverance. and God showed me that this was a pattern in my life. i get so excited at the beginning, but then towards the end, i crash because i lose confidence in myself and my self-esteem goes down, down, down... 

and it was things like this that God continued to reveal to me. He showed me how lazy i am when i'm by myself, not surrounded by people because people don't see me privately. but then when i am around people or especially at my job, i get things done on time and everything. but then im being a totally 2 faced person. im not being genuine or authentic. my private life is not the same as my public life. i didn't want to make a fool out of myself so i would act "goody goody" in a way. but that's so wrong. i want to be a transparent Christian -- not a hypocrite, wearing a mask. i want to be genuine and authentic and real -- not fake. and these two weaknesses were so evident in my life, but i was so blinded by my habits. i wasn't being true to myself and others, especially God. 

so slowly, i believe that God was purifying my heart and my habits and myself, teaching me self-discipline in developing a Godly habit of reading the bible and praying and focusing on God, always depending on God through prayers and His words. and not only that, slowly, God is teaching me patience and i'm learning how to persevere through tough times, like studying and passing the praxis for me. i was so caught up in myself and constantly putting myself down that the attention was on me and not on God. i was doing this for myself, and not for God. the reason why i wanted to go into the education field was to bring the lost back to God, especially working through the children to give them light&hope in this world. i want to share the love&joy with those who need it the most. i know God has given me a vision to lead the children/youth of this future generation. and just as my youth pastor told me, if i can't even hurdle over the praxis test, then what will i ever achieve for His kingdom, right? heh, and through this realization, i found the urgency to really focus, pass my praxis, and carry out the will of God in my life. although i don't know exactly how God will lead me, i trust in Him and will follow without turning back :)

and to end it all, today's service was just beautiful! :) the Holy Spirit was definitely with us as we were praising and worshipping God. it was just a beautiful way to end this fast, knowing that God is always with us as long as we open our hearts for the Spirit to come within us. just as new wine cannot be poured into old wineskin because the old wineskin will burst, but when new wine is poured into the new wineskin, it will not burst (matthew 9:16-17). so i cannot be like an old wineskin because i will fall back to my old ways and everything [all that God gave me] will fall out, but being a new wineskin, nothing will burst out. haha but you know what i mean, right? heh, i tried.... :P

but yes. finally... God's been ever so amazing and even more so real the past 3 weeks. He is truly a God of Wonders!! and im sooOooOOOOo excited and sooOOoOooO joyful inside and i honestly can't wait as He continues to transform me and prepare me to a sanctuary! and i challenge those who are really wanting to seek God and transform yourselves, to do this daniel fast. but of course, be really convicted to do so and pray about it before you begin. but don't worry about not being able to eat the food you want or anything, through it all God will not only reveal what you ask for, but also humble you more than you think. don't do it for yourself, but for God and changing yourself to advance for His kingdom. and so i leave you with this praise song :)

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary

pure and holy, tried and true

with thanksgiving, i'll be a living

sanctuary for you

it is you Lord who came to save

the heart and soul of every man

it is you Lord who knows my weakness

who gives me strength, with thine own hand.

lead me on Lord from temptation

purify me from within

fill my heart with your Holy Spirit

take away all my sin

keeping a clear conscience!

just a bit of my thoughts as i was sharing today's QT  [utmost highest -- http://www.utmost.org/] with my cell group::

ahh! it's so hard to keep a clear conscience. but it's so true that we have to be obedient in keeping a clear conscience before God because if not, it'll turn into a habit of turning it around to ourselves rather to God.

as i shared with my cell group last night, one of my bad habit is putting myself down, thinking that i can't do anything or not good enough. but instead of me thinking that i was opening myself to hear what God is trying to me tell me, i turned it around to "me me me." and that's not how it should be.

to answer this question "Is my ear sensitive enough to hear even the softest whisper of the Spirit, so that I know what I should do?" -- i would have to say no. my mind and body has been clouded by my thoughts about what i think about me and how others might see me as. my ear hasn't been sensitive enough to hear the softest whisper of God. even through the storm, Jesus did not yell to quiet the storm (when Jesus was sleeping and the disciples were totally freaked out about the big storm that came). Jesus said it in a calm voice to quiet the sea and the wind.

"When you begin to debate, stop immediately. Don’t ask, “Why can’t I do this?” You are on the wrong track. There is no debating possible once your conscience speaks. Whatever it is— drop it, and see that you keep your inner vision clear."

just as it says in the QT, i pray that we will learn to be quiet and sensitive to what God has to tell us as we open our hearts towards Him and evaluate ourselves every time to make sure that our intentions/motives behind our action is glorying God.

a child of God

i am a child of God. yes, i am! :)

i think i'm starting to feel what this phrase means. i mean i always knew that i am a child of God, but as pastor jae said in prayer meeting alst night -- that our identity should be in God and nothing else -- it hit me.

so this is how it began... throughout the prayer meeting, i was really out of it, tyred from work and just empty. i felt empty -- emotionally, physically, spiritually. i felt jsut drained out... i couldnt write it down cuz there weren't any pens so i just listened to everyone's prayer requests. and as the lights turned off and the music started playing. people were getting ready to go into prayer mode and i stepped out for a moment and came back in. i sat down and saw everyone praying around me. i tried to pray, to say something, but "abba, Father" came out so i just sat there the whole time. heh, i wanted to ask someone to pray for me right then and there, but my mouth wouldnt move and plus, everyone was praying so passionately. the whole time i kept thinking, "...what is wrong with me? why can't i not pray?  ...  i just want to feel. i just want to cry. i feel so empty inside..." so pretty much, i was just putting myself down, putting my already low self-esteem almost to the bottom, reaching down to ground.... to the core. heh, but yeaa~ i guess i was just having a self-pity party haha :P

but as the prayer meeting went on, i just sat there. i kept thinking about how i wanted to feel and have my heart broken and feel what God feels. that's what i meant by i want to feel. i want my heart to break for something/someone and cry out for them when i pray. i wanted to be like the way i was with Cambodia. that's what i wanted. i wanted to feel.

so, finally when we all came together, pastor jae talked about where our identity lies. our identity needs to be in God and nothing else. If we are one with Christ, finding out identity within God and God alone, we will be filled and never empty because God fills us up. But if we find our identity within something else -- like money, job, or even in ourself -- then we're just puffing up. when you picture being filled up and puffed up, it seems to be different (at least i feel like it is). although you're full with both, but it's like being satisfied kind of full vs. being full because i ate too much. so that would be the difference, you kinda get what i mean? and so, being filled is always satisfying and won't blow away as when you're puffed up full, then it can suddenly pop! just like popping a balloon. poof! and it's gone.

so as pastor jae spoke those words and we prayed altogether, it was a little different. but it still didn't hit me then. after prayer meeting, i just came out and walked to my car. while i was walking, i still kept thinking about "is tthere wrong with me? why can't my heart break for something/someone while other people do? why can't i pray passionately? what's wrong with me?" and i still felt blehh~ and drained and tyred. even through the drive home, i felt so ashamed of myself.

but then! WOW! GOD IS SOOOO GOOD! and perfect with timing! haha :P

i came home and after i got into bed, i realized what pastor jae meant. i mean i knew that i was a child of God and my identity was within Him, but lately, it's wasn't. my identity lied within me. ever since i started to think about my profession and my decision to take the praxis and become a teacher and all of that... i kept putting myself down. i knew i wasn't good enough academically, i knew i was a sinner and i wasn't worthy of anything, but i believed all of that and lost all my confidence, regardless of how encouraging my friends were to me. but it wasn't what i meant when i wasn't good enough, that i was a sinner and unworthy of anything -- i kept telling myself that and forgot the second half of it. i forgot to tell myself "I AM A CHILD OF GOD!" so all of that doesn't matter because my identity is in Christ and He is the one who gave me a new life to start over and i am worthy because I AM A CHILD OF GOD! wow, how could i have been that stupid? that forgetful? ...God must be looking down on me and shaking His head and laughing.

i don't know if i'm spiritually being under attack or if it was just me... but mann~ last night before i realized all of this, i was ready to give up on the things i said i would be doing because i thought it wasn't worth it if i was just speaking it out of wanting other people to think that i'm spritually good or something but i don't really feel anything inside. but then i really should listen more carefully. so i got back into reading regularly each day now and as im reading through deuteronomy, it kept talking about listening carefully to what God has commanded us, being obedient to God's command, and following through with what we vow (say) we'll do.

“When you make a vow to the Lord your God, be prompt in fulfilling whatever you promised him. For the Lord your God demands that you promptly fulfill all your vows, or you will be guilty of sin. However, it is not a sin to refrain from making a vow. But once you have voluntarily made a vow, be careful to fulfill your promise to the Lord your God." Deuteronomy 23: 21-23

and so because i made this vow, i will keep my promise. this is actually one of my prayers --  to be disciplined (spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally) and to put my words into action. and along with this prayer, i'm also praying for purity and to let go of my past, desire God more and more and more, and to find clarity in my future.

so whenever you have time, if you can, can you pray for me with these four prayers? thank youu!!

all in all, haha, i feel so much lighter now. but honestly, i dont know what it is, but my heart still feels a bit heavy. it's been like this for few weeks and i can't get a grasp on what is making me feel this way. maybe i'll have another awakenings like this one -- hopefully it'll be soon. heh. ::sigh in relief:: haha but i'm just so thankful that God clearly spoke through pastor jae at the prayer meeting and now i can see that it's not about me, but it's always about God and who God is and who i am within God -- and that's all that matters :)

let this be our prayer

i was listening to star 99.1 as i was driving to work and heard this song [if we've ever needed you - casting crown] playing and the words just pierced my heart. so i want to pray this prayer and i want this to be my heart's cry.

hear our cry, Lord, we pray

our faces down, our hands are raised

you called us out; we turned away

we've turned away

with shipwrecked faith the idols rise

we do what is right in our own eyes

our children now will pay the price

we need your light, Lord, shine your light

if we've ever needed you

Lord, it's now

Lord, it's now

we are desperate for your hand
we're reaching out
we're reaching out

all our hearts, all our strength

with all our minds, we're at your feet

may your kingdom come in our hearts and lives

let your church arise, let your church arise

if we've ever needed you

Lord, it's now

Lord, it's now

we are desperate for your hand

we're reaching out

we need you now
revive us now

we need you now

perseverance

perseverance leads to a steadfast heart that will continue to seek after the righteous one. although they may be temptations or struggles that can hinder you, but instead it will help you move forward, teaching you and strengthening you for something better, more beautiful and powerful.