L.O.V.E.

L is for the way you look at me

O is for the only one i see

V is very, very, extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you adore can

love. hehe thinking about it gives you the butterflies and a great big smile ;P

mm... so God's been revealing to me little by little on how to bear the fruit of love. i didn't really think about it or realize that i wasn't bearing the fruit of love as much. in cell group this week, it really hit me when we were discussing the Philippines bible study questions and one of the question asks, "what are the fruits you are bearing now and what are the fruits you need to bear?" ((something to that...)) so i began to think about this through the fruit of the Spirit aspects.

so as i shared with my CG, God's been really blessing me with joy, peace, and faithfulness in my life. i remember long tym ago i really prayed for these three things so much thinking that i was good with being good, kind, patient, gentle and loving... but boy was i wrong. i mean its not that im not a loving, kind, gentle person [haha] but its not enough to the extent God wants us to be, you know?

i mean the most important commandment is this, no?

"love the Lord your God with all your heart 

and all your soul 

and with all your mind 

and with all your strength.' 

the second is this: 

'love your neighbor as yourself.' 

there is no commandment greater than these." 

mark 12:30-31

heh, just recently God's been teaching me what it means to love -- to love Him with all that i have inside&outt. knowing what it is like to love God, that love should naturally flow down to those around you, especially with the relationships you have with others. but God said i wasn't doing what i should be doing -- in bearing that fruit of love sincerely, genuinely ... in obedience to God's command. like i said before, i really prayed for joy, peace, and faithfulness in my life. it felt like i was lacking in those three areas (including self-control) and i thought i was doing well with love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and patience. i thought i was a nice, loving person and everything, but i was just a selfish sinner. i was only being a lovable person to those i wanted to be like my friends, but not to those who were closest to me -- my family. but i didn't realize that it wasn't something i can pick and choose who i want to love. that would be out of my selfishness in wanting to do what i wanted to do. key word being me, me, me; i, i, i. but God didn't say you can pick&choose. i mean, did God only pick&choose some people who can be loved and saved? did Jesus do that when he took the cross upon His shoulder and died for just some of those people? no. God didn't.

God loved (and still does and forever will). He loved the sick, the liars, the betrayers, the prostitutes, the tax collectors, etc... He loved EVERYONE. and He's teaching me to do the same right now. honestly, there are some people in my life that i am having trouble loving them the way Jesus loved me, but God's been breaking me deeper and deeper. and if it wasn't for God's love for me, i don't think i would've ever realized that i was bearing the fruit of love in the wrong ways. love should not be selfish -- for the benefit of oneself. but love is loving God first and then sharing that love with everyone else around you because it just naturally flows out of you. i think love is something so much more than we can ever imagine. but we can always remember what God has done for us -- His ministry through love for every single person around Him and through the greatest love of all that was expressed on the cross for us. if it wasn't for the cross, what kind of person would we be like? without love, will we even be alive on this earth?

but love doesn't only bring genuine, loving, warm relationships, but with love comes everything else. and if you noticed the fruit of the Spirit, love is the first thing. and then comes joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control [Galatians 5:22-23]. riiiiiiight?? hehe :P

and as Philippines 1:9-11 states,

"and this is my prayer: 

that your love may abound more and more 

in knowledge and depth of insight, 

so that you may be able to discern 

what is best and may be pure and blameless 

until the day of Christ, 

filled with the fruit of righteousness 

that comes through Jesus Christ -- 

to the glory and praise of God." 

[amen.] if it weren't for love, we would not be able to gain the knowledge that we need to know to be able to discern right from wrong or discern anything. without love, we wouldn't be pure and blameless in front of God, glorifying and praising God. if it weren't for love, we would shrivel away in the corners of the earth and die. if it weren't for love, we would never be who we are today -- children of God who is loved by the greatest of all -- our Lord and Savior.

may my mouth & my heart be pleasing to you

i've been listening to francesca battistelli's whole album [my paper heart] the past few days. i love it so much! :) the songs are just awesome. its so encouraging~ i<3it! hehe :P

lately, ive been so lazy. i have all these things i want to write down, but i never know how to articulate them. and i have this fear of saying what i think but then being rejected or thinking that i didnt say it the right way or something. i've always had this thing where i would hesitate before i said anything and made sure that i would say it in my head to make sure that i said the right thing and other ppl would accept it. but all this fear stemmed out of my fear of not being accepted by others because i always lacked confidence in myself and i was just afraid of so many things... and haha its quite funny when i think about it now. i've changed a lot... but i know i gotta beat these fears out of me because i still have bits 'n pieces of it left inside. hence my laziness to write my thoughts down...

however, i realized that it all begins with conviction [to want to confess]. confession. conviction [to want to change and be made new again]. brokenness. repentance. forgiveness. and finally a revival. without you having this sharp pain of something poking at you, you won't really come down to your knees to genuinely have this strong desire to confess your sins in giving all that you have to surrender it and turn away from it. and from then on, once you have this conviction and confess it, you'll be convicted again, wanting to get rid of the old rag and put on a new garment to be broken down by God and for God so that we can melt ourselves away and be molded by the grace of God who forgave us and begin a new journey to start a new, exciting chapter -- a new revival.

it's all something that we know. but it never hurts to read it again, right? heh, i know i read things, but sometimes (most of the tyms) i breeze through it and don't really think about it. and then later, i come back to it realizing "wow, so this is what it really means..." and its so refreshing and encouraging because you learn something and you see how its so relevant. it feels lyk God just pointed out to you saying "READ IT AGAIN!" kinda thing hahaha i think i say too much of the same thing over again at times.. ehh, whateves. heh, this is me. what can i do? :P

anyways, im always so thankful for the way God intervenes in my life -- through friends, songs, friend's blogs, the way He whispers in my prayers, and His words. im always so encouraged and i feel so joyful inside whenever he speaks to me through other ppl or lyrics. lyk i said, im not good at articulating my thoughts and feelings at times, especially if it comes to serious or deeper/serious things. i always second guess myself. but through songs or what other ppl say, i can relate to it or i think about it and try to process it in my heart, but then bringing it up to my head and letting the words come out of my mouth is so... hard. heh~

but i feel so joyful inside. i dont think the word "happy" would serve the purpose of describing how my heart feels. back in youth group, a pastor gave a sermon about the difference between being happy and being joyful. so... happy is a temporary kind of feeling. lyk youre happy when you see your friend, youre happy when you eat your favorite food, your happy when you get a new car, etc. but if you look at being happy, its something that doesn't last long. its just a temporary feeling when something is happening at that moment. lyk youre happy when you see your friend, but when that friend leaves, are you still feeling happy? or when you're done with your favorite food, are you happy even after? but joyfulness -- it's everlasting. being joyful is permanent because well, it just is. hahaha no, but i think with joygulness, its something that satisfies and fills a void. it's that satisfaction that will forever be there because its so intense and its the source, not the outcome (like happiness). im not sure if i explained it well, but yeaa, hopefully you got it :P

okk i feel lyk im all over the place, but in a good way :) lately, my thoughts were scattered all over the place and i couldn't seem to put it into words for others to read or hear. but i think im trying too hard to get my words out there too much -- lyk it's for ppl to recognize that i said it. and lately i feel like God's teaching me to honor all that i do for Him and that it's not for me. this feeling of wanting to be recognized by others stemmed out as i served in children's ministry for over 6 years. i started to get a little boastful in the positions i've been in and the humble serving heart i started out with glorifying [honoring] God had turned into "look at me! im a sunday school teacher! i organized this event! im the director of the children's ministry now!" this happened because the last 2 years or so, i was lost in my own little world, which was under my control. but thankfully, by God's grace, He pulled me away and broke me down completely. i am so thankful and grateful for what God has done and through the past 5 months, God revealed Himself to me in a whole new level. my love for Him grew through the trials and hardships, especially in my relationships and family situations the past year, and im learning to be obedient. it's so hard, but i can see myself changing little by little, i mean really really little, tiny steps. but yeaa, with this peace, joy, love, and grace given by God to me is my strength that pulls me continue to seek after God, to be disciplined in his words [QT] and prayer, and with baby steps, to be transformed into a child of God that comes to her knees in the time in between -- prayer.

im not writing this to be boastful or bragging or anything. but this is me. it's my heart speaking and not my mind. if it was my mind, i would've kept asking myself "should i say this? should i say that? what would other ppl think?" and not really have written anything [because i did that with few entries] but not this time. i might not have fully explained what my heart wants to say and with not explaining my past trials and hardships and other stuff, but yeaa... haha whaaaaateves. i dont know what im really trying to say here. haha God knows that this entry is all in praising Him and thanking Him for all that He did, is doing, and will do, so that's all that matters! i love you, God. thank you. no really, THANK YOU!! ;)

but i gotta write this lyric down. its "may the words of my mouth" by shane&shane. its been in my heart for the past few days and it's what i feel like this entry comes down to... i pray that the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart will honor God because its not for me, but for you, my God, to please you forever more :)

may the words of my mouth

and the meditation of my heart

be pleasing to you

you're my rock and my redeemer

you're the reason that i sing

i desire to be a blessing in your eyes

every hour and every moment

Lord i want to be your servant

i desire to be a blessing in your eyes

time in between

but its the time in between 

that brings me to my knees

knowing you came for me 

and all that i can't be

im amazed, so amazed

and i thank you for the time in between
oh Lord, i thank you for the time in between

time in between -- francesca battistelli

it's all about you

i think this song just sums it up:

it's all about you, Jesus

and all this is for you

for your glory and your fame

it's not about me

as if you should do things my way

you alone are God

and i surrender to your ways

i feel like a little child again.
hiding away under my covers. away from world.
i want to go in the corner and never come out.
it's too scary out there... having to face the harsh, cold reality.

but i'm not a little child anymore. i'm an adult now.
the real world is scary and challenging.
watching my parents ... the adults ... i don't want to be like them.

its always money. money. money.
why do people worry so much about money?
yes, money feeds you.
clothes you.
gives you shelter.
buys you sparkly pretty things.
but its only temporary.
it only temporarily fixes your needs that are right in front of you.
why would you want that?
why not something that's everlasting?

money breaks apart families.
money kills.
money leads to pride.
money boasts.
money separates you from what you truly need.

so people, don't turn your eyes to other things like money.
but have faith people, have faith. please.
and don't worry.
don't worry about having the money or not because God will provide.
He will provide for his children -- to those who are faithful.
faith is the key. faithfulness in God is what He wants.
and He'll give everything that you need.
so you don't have to worry.
you don't have to worry about money.
you don't have to worry about food.
you don't have to worry about clothes.
you don't have to worry about shelter.
because God sees how faithful we are, and He will give.
He will give you just enough to live
so that we do not get too prideful.
too gluttonous. too selfish.
so that we will continually seek after God.
to be faithful to Him.

so be faithful, people. have faith.
have faith in God who created you.
have faith in God who knows your future.
have faith in God who is in control.
and love Him with all your heart. your soul. your mind.
show your faith by loving Him.
faith. love. hope. faith. love. hope.
have faith. believe. and trust.
have faith.

Father, i know you're next to me right now.

cover my ears and let me listen to your voice alone.

i don't want to hear anything else.

the bickering. the shouting. the fighting.

hold me in your arms and wipe the tears away.

Lord, take me from this place... 

into a world that has no time.

no worries. no hurries.

i'll gladly leave it all behind to be with you.

hellooo??

(in dr. john kim's voice) hellooooooo???
     ^dr. kim is so awesome. just amazing and oh so wonderful! :) but as dr. kim kept saying, we should be praising and thanking God, for it is not dr. kim who does it, but God. amen to that!

an amazing weekend it was! praise God!! :D now that i look back at this weekend, that's what God's been saying to me. He was like "hellooo?? hellooo??" He called me on the phone trying to get a hold of me, but i picked up and quickly dropped the receiver, letting it hang in the air with the cords going up&down because i was distracted by other things....

but... thank you, Father, for waking me up! for persistently calling out to me! how wonderful, how amazing you are to call out to me. im so unworthy, but, yet... you embrace me in your arms... thank you, Lord. thank you for your love.

you know, i realized this last night... there is no doubt in my mind that it was God all along who's been controlling in my life since this past summer. i can see God moving the pieces to the front, to the back, to the left, to the right so vividly... i think God strategically placed all the people in my life for a reason with few of my close girlfriends to p.jae to discipleship girls to CR teammates to missionary Jonathan and everyone at the Abraham Project (the interns: abby, rach, shania) to dr. kim. they were all meant to be. God has specifically placed these man and woman of faith to teach me, to show me what faith is. i guess i didn't really understand what faith was until i met these people. they are all at a different level in their faith, but i was and still am encouraged by their faith in God. their genuine, loving hearts that yearns for God is so beautiful.

the most amazing person i've met so far was dr. kim. i'm so thankful to have met him and to have heard him speak. his testimony was just amazing. i've learned so much through him:

• confession. conviction. brokenness. repentance. forgiven. loved.
• plug into the power of the Holy Spirit to be recharged, to be energized.
• first sign of when God really transforms you = life style changes.
• time is... an opportunity. a resource. LIFE. cannot be spent like money. equally distributed.
• no revival without repentance. God can only give the revival.
• God wants you to take ownership because no leadership without ownership. 
• seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all things will be added unto you.
• fame, fortune, fun -- for Christ.
• be still. wait.

all these things i've learned are the things i needed to hear to take the next step in my walk with Christ. i've learned so much and i didn't know exactly how to go about it. with discipleship, i learned that head knowledge is important, but also what it means to be vulnerable and surrendering it all to God, repenting my sins. and through it, i found the peace and joy within God. the old is gone and new has come in Jesus Christ. but then after discipleship i asked myself, "what now?" i was so consumed by this question and going to Costa Rica (CR) with this in the back of my mind wasn't helpful at all. honestly, in the beginning of CR missions, it felt like i was on a trip and i wasn't sure why i was there. i mean, when i was in New Mexico or Cambodia, i knew why i was there, my heart was prepared for it and had some kind of expectation. i'm not saying i didn't expect anything from CR, but it wasn't as clear as it was with NM or Cambodia. however, a week after i got back, i found it. this little light bulb went off! and there was God, revealing to me why i was there in CR. it was for me to not only service, but to be served by the faithful disciples of God. i was to learn from their words, their actions, their life style. it was such a blessing and an encouragement to have met everyone at the Abraham Project and for my teammates who are totally amazing! 

and then again, God placed me at the vision retreat to show me what it means to be a faithful, humble, servant of God -- dr. kim. his testimonies and messages were just what i needed to hear. i mean i knew it, but to hear it from another person's experience and be reminded once again and to learn new things -- was such a blessing. i feel like God has been just blessing with so many great things. and through the retreat, God has reaffirmed my heart for the brokenness in children's lives, helping them find hope and give them a hope in their future through educating them. i kind of doubted my reasoning for wanting to go into the inner city to teach, but i'm about 90% sure that God has called me there. all the people i talked to so far had told me i shouldn't, especially since it'll be my first year teaching ((thats if i get a teaching position in the first place haha)) and i shouldn't go if i wasn't called for it... but i think i am. like i said, i'm about 90% sure. i just need to pray for that last 10% because i don't want to go into something that i cannot do. and i know that God doesn't give me things that i can't handle, unless it was out of my own stubbornness... which i pray that it's not... so that 10% reeeeeeally needs to be confirmed. heh, dont got much time..... 

heh, anyways, as i look back at the last few months of my life, its a life changing experience. no doubt about it. i've always known that God was in control of my life, but to feel it, see it, and experience it at another level is WOW. i know i have grown so much in the past few months because of God's grace and love and peace that was sown in my heart. without the struggles, challenges, and difficulties that i had to face, i wouldn't be where i am and who i am now. i'm still growing, struggling, and facing challenges, but i welcome it all with open arms. i know that there is something bigger and better that waits at the end of the tunnel, shining oh so brightly with things that i have never imagined before :)

so, now what? well, all i have to do is put all that i've learned [[especially the bullets points up there]] into action. this will be challenging, heh :P its always easier said than done, but i'm up for the challenge. are you?